Friday, January 2, 2009

Back in Time

Not everyone struggles with social situations. Some people know exactly what to say and do while managing to be witty and tactful. Some people are really funny, entertaining and cool. Others are beautiful and charming. I am not any of these examples. Rather, one of the common threads of my life has been the overwhelming feeling of not really fitting in anywhere.

I have found isolated people within groups with whom I share an almost cosmic connection - like an understanding of souls who have known each other from past lives reaching back thousands of years. Once bonded with these isolated few I have been enveloped as a latecomer into the group they belong to. I have slowly learned that it is better for me to drop back and remain peripheral instead of struggling to belong...I always end up feeling foolish.

About a year ago Tim and I had been especially marginalized at an event, which sent me back in time to high school when all of these feelings of inadequacy were at their worst. Knowing how much my feelings were hurt he hugged me closer on the dance floor and whispered in my ear, "Imagine that we are hurtling through outer space with only each other to hold on to." I never loved him more than I did that very second. I think of that moment frequently but I used it as a survival mechanism recently. I am one lucky social misfit where it counts.

2 Lovies:

Cori said...

First,I loved reading Tim's words to you so much that I've thought about them all day! What an amazing moment and one that I relate to with regard to my relationship with my husband. We have both been lucky to have gotten "that thing" that makes our relationships both challenging and rewarding beyond words.

I think it's fascinating to observe others' views of themselves and how said views may differ from friends, family, etc. For instance, I always thought you had it quite together and were honestly a much better version of what I might have been if I'd not been such a disinterested student and generally ornery contrarian from time to time. I had my outer shell, which everyone viewed through the constructed lens that I wanted them to see me through. Then, I had my inner core which frankly nobody has come close to entirely knowing except for my husband. The two are very different and even after 20+ years together, the layers are still being peeled back. Some of it I never want to remember simply because it's too painful and other parts I've just forgotten about due to non-drug-induced, random memory loss - ha! Synthesizing it all though I realize in reconnecting with people I haven't interacted with in a long time (e.g. high school, college friends) that they viewed me much better than I ever viewed myself. Puzzling. My most recent conclusion is that the universal truth of my life is that nobody can be harder on me than I can. Nobody. And sometimes that just wears me the hell out! :)

So those who haven't gotten to know you for whatever reason have just missed out on an endearing, smart, adorable girl with a heart as big as one could imagine. And maybe the girl could see herself as I do: simply amazing and always a source of inspiration.

Diana said...

Hehehe...I might be able to guess what event incited this post :-)
I agree with your friend Cori, I've ALWAYS thought of you as a secure, well spoken individual. It always surprises me that you have a very different image of yourself. Although I completely understand that internal feelings and external facade can be opposite poles. It's amazing how high school experiences can be so influential in one's personal development and self-confidence. I hate clicks and bullies!
Anyways, I think you're one of the most interesting and loving friends I have and I wouldn't trade you for the world! Screw the rest of 'em! :-D