I went to a prenatal yoga class this morning. It felt great and I think I'll go again. I was officially the least pregnant woman there (we went around the room: name, how many weeks, baby #). Being around all those big bellies made me feel normal and comforted in a way I hadn't expected. Towards the end of class the instructor was talking about feeling connected to your baby. It went along the lines of, "this is truly an auspicious time - the only time you are truly one with another person. You are now responsible for two lights: your soul and your babies." She went on to say thing about the changes we are experiencing in our bodies, the most obvious changes, but also the deep profound changes in our lives, minds, and relationships.
I tried to imagine my own mother feeling connected to me. I know that as a baby she did. She still wishes I was a baby. I know because she tells me this all the time. But something happened to her over the past 36 years and because of it we are sooo far from connected. I can't imagine feeling less of a bond with a person I'm supposed to love. This is mostly stemming from a recent melt-down on her part. Yes. Another one.
I found out we are having a girl last Thursday night. I came home and told Tim. The next morning on the way to work I called my mother at 7:42. We had a conversation that lasted 3 minutes and 41 seconds. I said to her, in these words, "You can start telling people. We got the first bit of results. Everything is OK, we're having a girl." The outpouring of babble came and we agreed to talk next week (work, In law's coming to town). Then I called my dad, we waited for dinner that night to tell Tim's parents, then even later on Friday I blogged on Pregnant Peeper.
I get a text from her on Monday morning that reads, "Wish i didnt have to find out things on the blog. Would have been nicer to hear you say it's a graddaughter, i'm happy for you both!" I texted back that we had a conversation Friday morning, remember? Nothing. I've called her 3 times and she won't pick up her phone or call me back. My mother never acts out by ignoring me. So she's in a corner somewhere licking her wounds and surely complaining to her friends to garner some attention, her favorite thing. The best I can figure is that she stopped listening when she heard she could tell people.
How am I related to her? How? How is it that I used to be inside her - completely connected 36 years ago - and now she is a virtual stranger to me?
The more important question is how can avoid this estrangement with my own daughter? Can anyone tell me this? Share a secret? Are you close to your mom? Why or why not? Feel free to leave me some comments...