I felt her move last night. I would be really excited about this but in this moment I feel even more conflicted. I don't want her to feel any more real that she already is.
I've always been a clean break kind of girl. It feels between me and this baby right now like that gross period before you break-up with someone. You know what I mean - that phase where things suck, you're both distancing yourselves, and you know what's coming. I've typically prefer to get it over with, get rid of the mementos, and move on the best I can. I don't save stuff and I don't think we can "be friends."
How do you break up with someone when they are inside you? I want to put all the baby stuff and books away and forget about it. Since I haven't eaten much the past couple of days I can suck in my stomach really hard and fool myself that I don't look pregnant. In my mind I almost don't even feel pregnant anymore. It feels like I have something more tragic like a tumor - that can't be a baby in there. I didn't think that after trying so hard to get pregnant that I would end up feeling so detached and removed...almost resentful. But I have to go on taking my prenatal vitamins and being out of breath all the time.
Even though everyone has been so great I feel so confused and isolated. There is no real escape for me as I can't physically separate myself from this baby. No wine, no out-of-sight out-of-mind. She's inside of me. All I can do is stay still and take the punches.
I know that it makes more sense to be pragmatic and accept that I can't do anything to change any of this. Part of me still just refuses to believe that we could possibly be in the same or worse position in 2 weeks. In 12 days there will be those two little white lines and we'll breathe a sigh of relief and carry on being able to look forward to when we have the baby, not if. Then there are waves of awareness that we might not bring home a baby in June. The thought of trying again and changing my lifestyle and mentality to accomodate another failed pregnancy is too much to bear. Will I even want to do this again? It pisses me off because everything has been so perfect until now: no morning sickness, all of the tests have been normal, we know it's a girl, we're so excited we picked out furniture already...how could this possibly be happening?
I wish I could pull a Cartman and just freeze myself until this is all over with. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal or anything. I would like to fall asleep for the next 2 weeks and wake up when there is more information. Instead my mind is in constant overdrive no matter how I try to distract myself. I'm back to work today so maybe that will help.