Saturday, January 17, 2009

Day 5 of the lost 2 weeks

I didn't cry once yesterday. I came close a couple of times, but I held it together. For the first time in a while I was actually thankful for the distraction of work yesterday. It was such a relief to go in and be forced to concentrate on something else entirely for 11 hours in a row. I get to do it again today and tomorrow and the next day. And then we are one week closer to what I hope is a resolution.

There was a flurry of sweet and supportive emails yesterday between Tim and I. He'll probably cringe when he finds that I wrote this. If anything good should come of this it's that I am so much more aware of and grateful for the many wonderful things and people in my life. Most of all my husband. I feel closer now through the past few days than I have ever felt to him. I suspect that if we are lucky enough to raise baby peeper that our family unit will be a thousand times stronger than it ever could have otherwise been.

Maybe this is a grand lesson? Please, God, please let that be what this is.

I might update later. All this writing seems to help...

Update: I didn't cry today. I came close tonight but I didn't do it. I am deeply embroiled in a fantastic display of utter denial. If I can't remove the offending stimulus and I can't drink it away with a bottle of red wine then I will simply rationalize my way into it simply not existing at all. So there.

2 Lovies:

Cori said...

I'm glad the writing is helpful - whatever it takes. Hey, you want a pony?? I'll get you a pony!! :) (If a pony could make it better, believe me, he'd be on your doorstep ASAP - 'course that's not a very good gift 'cause then you'd have to clean up pony shit - courtesy of me...but like they say, it's the thought right?? OK, we skip the pony.)

Love ya man.

Cori said...

Speaking of husbands...mine just popped through the room on his way to a sports-watching-induced snack attack and told me to make sure you knew that he thought it felt like the whole church was praying for you today (there was a particular petition that was spot on...I thought it was only me!)

As Dave and I were talking last night he reminded me of some of the tremendous supportive and loving moments we had during our weeks of...well...whatever it was. He told me at one point "Cor, I just have a good feeling about this, I think we'll all be fine" and though I knew he was capable of being more rational than I could possibly be at the time, I also knew some of his certainty was based upon wishful thinking. Nonetheless as I looked into his eyes at that moment, desperate for something to believe in, there it was. And so I said "ok". For the moment, there were no monsters in the dark or alligators under my bed. For the moment, it was just me and him, trusting each other's strength. Rational, irrational, didn't matter. It was just us.

So the pony offer's back on the table.