Friday, March 25, 2011

Red Light/Green Light

"For without the private world of retreat, one becomes virtually an unbalanced creature." 
- Elanor McMillen Brown


There has been a little chirping in my personal life about this blog - questioning what I chose to share and "are you sure you should leave that up there?". One persons life is the sum of it's parts. Some parts I feel comfortable to share: a few pictures of my kid  and my excitement over a new small appliance is in no way a baring of my soul. Other things I leave mostly private with the occasional confession or admission. We're all friends here and not too many others find their way to my little virtual space -once they do, many become friends as well.

So, it is with great consideration that I admit the following: recently, we got the sad news that my ovaries are reaching the end of their reserves.  It's all me draggin' down the ship of our family expansion plan. It's a horribly disappointing feeling. Since I don't take a good fight laying down I've already set a few things in motion. In April we're seeing an infertility specialist, the same guy we saw to get pregnant with Ada. I hope he can still help us. Until I can get in to see him, I'm starting acupuncture again with the same girl I went to before. If you're the praying type, I'd appreciate a little mention of us. All in all, I'm a good person, responsible citizen, and a decent parent - I think I deserve for good things to happen.


We tried to go to music class but it turns out that last week was the final class. In a weird way I was sort of relieved. She loved it so for that I was sad to have it be over. Still, this class was in one of the more upper-class neighborhoods in San Francisco. I had been thinking that we might be happier in a class with people more like us - more down to earth people. Next week we'll start a class that is right around the corner from the church where Ada was baptized. The best part is that we can walk. Hallelujah! This is just in time as we used AAA to tow our dudd-of-a-car to the shop today. We'll get a rental for the weekend - I asked for the Volvo just to see what it's like to drive something nice. They needed 24-hour notice so instead I think we'll end up with a standard 4-door. Who cares, as long as it's reliable. 

I'm also on a couple of neighborhood lists. A few days ago I posted asking if anyone else wanted to do a playdate. I can't believe the response that came of it. I figured it would be met with the sound of crickets and tumbleweeds rolling by. I'm excited about this - about making new friends and meeting people in our neighborhood.

So there you have it. Life is just like a game of "Red Light/Green Light". Just like I said I would, I am soaking her up this weekend. Even though it rained in sheets and the wind tried to blow our house off the hill, we stayed cozy and happy.


Photobucket
The view out our front window this morning. Yuck. 

Photobucket
Last week, for the first time in my life, I felt like I couldn't drink another cup of coffee. I wanted something warm so I got a Chai latte from Peet's. My friend Harveen once educated me that "chai" means tea so if you order a chai tea whatever you are actually asking for a tea tea.  I've been craving them ever since I drank that first one. For one thing, it's brewed, not from a concentrate syrup. This is one example of how Peet's makes Starbucks taste like swill. So I got a box of tea, brought it home and set out to see how much tea one girl can drink in a day. I think I drank 6 cups of tea today. Did I mention that it was really cold and windy outside? 



I didn't even know that she knew where to find that old point-n-shoot. She was cracking me up this morning. She put the camera to her face, would check her work, then check her settings, and take more pictures. 



Photobucket


Puppet was her favorite subject this morning. He was a bit suspicious at first as he never had his picture taken with the camera literally on him. Still, he's a good sport about most things.

Actually, he's the best cat in the world (except for our other three cats).


Photobucket

Photobucket


We spent the day doing not much of anything. We baked apple bread. We made pork roast in the crock pot. We played tickle games on the bed. We played with the Little People farm. Mommy got a massage because her back is still jacked. Then we got a rain cover for the Bob so that we can take walks instead of driving everywhere when the weather stinks.

See what I mean? We did nothing. But it was everything and it was perfect.


Photobucket
Playing in the bed is the best. I just can't think that I'll ever get tired of tackling her and making zerberts on her belly. She thinks it's pretty awesome too.
B.I.V.s - yeah, that's how it's been around here. 


Casual Thursday at the Shepherd home. I never thought diaper-free time was important until I met the diaper rashes that can happen despite fastidious cleaning and lighting-quick disposal of dirty drawers.


Photobucket

Photobucket


Not to worry, bath time was only 20 minutes away.


Photobucket
Tim came in the doorway just then.

Photobucket
He issued a list of commands for her to follow. She can find her nose, mouth, ears, teeth, cheeks, and eyes upon request. Clever girl. 

Photobucket


Red Light, Yellow Light, Greeen Light. GO!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

View from Here

Photobucket
On top of Tank Hill, San Francisco looking toward the north bay
 March 19, 2011

Tonight I took an extra long time to put Ada to bed. I recited "Snuggle Up, Sleepy Ones" from memory and I urged her to drink more milk, swearing I didn't mix this bottle with Pedialyte. I watched her eyes fight off sleep until she eerily looked off into the distance, giggled, and then sighed deeply before she fell asleep in my arms.

This is when I sat there for an extra long time. I stroked her hair and kissed her cheek. I watched her sweet, peaceful face and felt her little legs dance reflexively as they succumbed to rest. A few times I told myself to put her in her crib and leave her to sleep but I didn't want to let go so soon tonight. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular.

Since I put her in her crib an hour and a half ago I have checked on her about 30 times - and that's not an exaggeration. Most of the time when I lay down in bed I hope she sleeps soundly through the night so that I can too. Tonight I'm hoping she will fuss a few times just so that I know she's still alive in there. I don't know why I'm so bejiggity tonight.

Maybe it's all the doomsday stuff on the news. Maybe it's that she's been so sick first with a cold and then severe GI upset - I'm worried because any time your baby isn't acting like herself it makes you fret terribly. Maybe it's that I'm mentally writing the letter for her 2 year photo book and I'm overwhelmed by all the things I so desperately want to tell her. Maybe it's that I spent the better part of the day ruminating on an idea for her second birthday party and I can't believe it's already been 2 years.

Photobucket
Our little sprout continues to thrive. 


Tonight it struck me again. It takes my breath away every time - how much I love her. How incredibly thankful I am for her. How if anything happened to her I am certain that I would simply stop breathing and cease to exist. I can't believe that I have already taken for granted moments with her. Life demands attention. Period.  Still, I could kick myself for doing the dishes instead of playing tea party with her.

Photobucket
It's windy on Tank Hill. She was thrilled while I couldn't hold her close enough to me. 


A tender moment like this one tonight just branded my soul with the pure desire to really be with my kid like I am when we read books together or roll around and tickle on the bed. To be with her all of the time that we are together. It's a salient reminder to let the rest of our lives come along at a slower, messier pace so that we can be... no, so that I can be a better, more present parent to my daughter. Tomorrow is the end of my work week and the forecast calls for rain for my whole weekend with her.

Rain or shine, I can't wait for my 3 days with my baby. You better believe that I'm going to absolutely drink her in even more than I usually do.

Photobucket

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Full Moon

Today the moon is full. It's also orbiting nearest to earth as the moon gets. If you're into astrology, you might believe that such a celestial arrangement is bound to cause some havoc. I'm not typically a believer in this kind of stuff, but today might just change my mind as the extreme chaos of the morning completely conforms to astrological predictions.

Ada woke up last night at 2:30 AM. She lay in her crib oscillating between whinging and dozing. Meanwhile,  a 2.5 hour pattern of me dragging myself out of bed, recovering her, "shhhh-ing" and rubbing her back was set into motion. Tim made her a bottle of milk just before 5:00, which she took enthusiastically just before vomiting it all back up all over my left ear, shoulder and in my hair. I yelled out an expletive and jumped up. Ada, terrified, started wailing. I ran to the shower, turned it on, and got in. Then it occurred to me that I should remove that wet nightgown covered in milk curdles. Ada joined me in the shower. 10 minutes later she and I lay on the stripped bed and she slept in my arms with her head on my chest. We remained there for the next 3 hours.

Add to it that Tim now has the cold that Ada and I have. Two of the four cats did something they shouldn't have. I am tired as hell of having a strained back and drippy nose and empty uterus. Typical of this time of year, another major financial surprise. I think that at one point I shouted, "What did I do to deserve a morning like this? Our family unit is falling apart!" That might have been a bit dramatic and overblown but it really was starting to feel like that. I am so throw off. I haven't found my inner bad-ass yet. I think she's taking a nap.

I want a do-over. I want to do yesterday again. Because it was a good day.


Photobucket
"UP!" How can I say no? I mean, look at her. This, by the way, is why my lower back is just totally trashed. 

Photobucket
Ada was treated to a little pair of sunglasses from Target. She wore them practically all the day long. 

Photobucket
Love Golden Gate Park especially at this time of the year

Photobucket
Love this baby more at any time of the year. 



Photobucket
Ada is quite clever for not even being on this earth for 2 years yet. Months ago she started stacking her books next tot front window so she could stand on them and look out. Here, she found the tiniest ledge and used it to see just a bit farther into the fountain. 

Photobucket
I love how she looks like she is having a very grown-up contemplative moment. 

Photobucket
Ada works on her "Cold Steel" look

Photobucket
My little runner in the park. She loves to run - squealing and arms flailing the whole way. 

Photobucket
Our old blender broke. This little beauty is the replacement. When, I wonder, did I start to get so stinking excited about small appliances? 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Each Coming Night

Photobucket


Will you say when I’m gone away 
"My lover came to me and we'd lay 
In rooms unfamiliar but until now"



Today marks 12 years ago that Tim and I had our first date.

I still have that Franklin Covey planner page in my momentos. I take it out every year and remind myself of that time: of where I was just then. I took some things so seriously but, looking back, I see that time as being relatively free of responsibility. I could, and frequently did, do whatever I wanted - I was able then to create myself as I wanted without distraction.

Photobucket

*********************************************************************************

Photobucket


Will you say to them when I’m gone 
"I loved your son for his sturdy arms 

We both learned to cradle then live without" 





I think about where he was just then: struggling to thrive in a languishing lab, his grandfather had just died and yet he had his own freedom - the kind that you can only taste as a very young adult aspiring to very grand things. Things that you just might get whether they're given to you or you have to earn them all by yourself.


We were still nothing but a date in the future just then. I remember going to a neurobiology meeting in St. Pete beach. On the way back home my ride and I stopped at a Greek bakery. There was a woman there who read my coffee grounds just the same way my beloved Greek Maria used to do every night - weaving a beautiful tale of romance and serenity. This woman told me that I was about to meet a man. We would marry, have several children, and he would take me on travels beyond my imagination.

About a year later I met Tim. So far, it hasn't happened exactly as the Greek lady told me it would, but we do have a child (and hope for more) and the man loves to travel. We have gone to places I wouldn't have dreamed of before him. One of the best things about my man is that every day he comes up with a theory or a wacky idea that either thrills me, makes me laugh, or leaves me sighing deeply and shaking my head in confusion.

Photobucket

**************************************************************

Photobucket


Will you say when I’m gone away
'Your father’s body was judgment day 

We both dove and rose to the riverside" 




I looked tonight at what we have made together. She is the most stunning, poetic thing that has ever happened to me and by far the best thing we have done together. There was a whole life before her and it was good. It is good. The most exciting part is that it keeps getting better.


Photobucket

**************************************************************

Photobucket


Will you say to me when I’m gone 
"Your face has faded but lingers on 

'Cause light strikes a deal with each coming night"




Tonight we put our sick girl to bed. We cooked at home. We drank a glass of wine. We watched Anthony Bourdain in Haiti.It was a far cry from last year...but that Ethiopian restaurant isn't there anymore just like the restaurant where we had our first date isn't there anymore. Times passes and things change. We are still standing, an alliance. Today is the first day of 12 more years. At least.  


Photobucket

10 on Ten

Rebekah's 10 on Ten photo project.

Except for that I learned of it at the end of the 10th. Also, when I looked back I realized there were only 8 pictures documenting the day instead of the 10 pictures that the title would suggest. Now that I can sit to post it's really the 16th. Hey, I have a full-time job. So, really this is 8 on Eleven on the 16th. I'll try to remember to do this again on April 10 and see what comes of it.













Photobucket
My Aunt Barb left a phone message at 1:30 AM to tell us to gt to high ground if we weren't already there. We woke up to sound of a voice on the answering machine saying that "xxxxxxx" was going to hit San Francisco at 8:16 AM. We mumbled that we get up so freaking early we would easily have over 3 hours to deal with it, whatever it was. When we woke up 4 hours after the message we saw the tragedy that had hit Japan. And I thought my life was stressful? Shame on me. 

Photobucket
After the first nuclear power plant in Japan exploded there was a mad rush to get potassium iodine. Good luck finding it. I managed to track down some at our local hard-core hippie store. It sits next to my Vitamin D. As part of the February Happiness Project I vowed to have a check-up with my GP. Happy to report that all is well except for my mildly low Vitamin D levels. These sit next to my prenatal vitamins, which I have, apparently, been taking in vain. My Ob reports that  my FSH has risen from 5.4 a mere 3 years ago to 12 on cd5. That's the death knoll of my ovaries, folks. Ignorance really was bliss. Aging sucks. 

Photobucket
My girl continues to become more independent. Gosh, I sure do love her a lot. Being  her Mom exceeds my wildest dreams.

Photobucket
Radiology Prom 2011: The very most unexpected party dress. The sales clerk at Ambiance, my favorite store, tells me this dress was in Marie Claire and Lucky magazines. I don't read these magazines so what do I know? It was on clearance and the skirt was super-flouncy and super-duper fun.

Photobucket
More party prep included a lot of jewelry I'll probably never find an occasion to wear. I love it nevertheless.

Photobucket
Ada's friend Cole turned one year old. I continue to contend that this day is so much a monumental day for the parents. 

Photobucket
A little light weekend reading. 

Photobucket
Tim's favorite flower is the daffodil. Last spring he planted some  bulbs in a rectangular plot - that's the shape that fits in the awkward rim of dirt around the rotting deck. It looked for a while like we had buried a human out there. Rest assured, it was only some amateur gardening. The daffodils are up and he's like a proud kid - and rightly so. These sunny, yellow flowers are friendly and bright. 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Sick Day

My weekend started last Thursday with a mild nagging cold and a strain in my lower back. We lay low and took it easy all weekend. It seemed that I had yet again narrowly escaped the grip of a flattening illness. Sometimes I catch a whiff of whatever's going around but I almost never get really sick.This time I was not so lucky. I went to work yesterday and by the end of the day my back felt better - not picking up a 30# toddler all day was great for healing. Conversely, my muscles became achy, my nerves spontaneously gave out little shocks that radiated down my limbs and my skin became hypersensitive. I knew it was coming. I tried to ignore it and carry on with the hope that I wouldn't be where I am now: in bed, sick as a dog with the flu.

When the body needs to rest it will make it clear. In my case, it took a full-blown flu and a bad back to keep me still. Just stubborn, I guess. Ada is with her favorite babysitter for the day. Meanwhile, I slept on and off past 1:00 pm. Now, the hard part for me: resting.



Photobucket
A slow walk to the Randall Museum on Friday. 

Photobucket
We live on the top of a hill. Looking down to a street that meanders down that hill. 

Photobucket
I knealt to take her picture and she went down too. Compassionate heart. 

Photobucket



Saturday took us on an adventure over towards what might be our new hood someday. Cart before the horse much? Nothing is certain but it is our way to slowly, methodically plod along toward such changes. It's near a place called Shepherd's Canyon. How's that for irony? We went for a 4 mile hike along a crest in San Joaquin Miller Park. Tim carried Ada the whole way in the hiking backpack we got just for her. I think that was the last go for that thing with her in it. Even though I didn't carry her this might explain why my back was completely jacked when I woke up Sunday morning.

I brought the camera and was all poised to document our outing. I took a picture of Tim with sunscreen all over his face and then saw that I had forgotten the memory card at home. No pictures. Too bad as it was a beautiful hike. You would never know that less than 10 miles away was a major city: birds singing in the trees, beautiful vistas, wind in the high branches, trickling of little streams at the bottom of the canyon, and my girl humming. Every time I am in nature I know it deep in the seat of my soul that this is my church. Families do all sorts of things together but I see ours hiking together from a time when the kid(s) are very little.



Photobucket
The girl knows a good thing when she sees it. Chocolate-cinnamon popcicle from Nopalito. Messy, that's true. I want a box of 6 in my freezer pretty much at all times.

On second thought, it's good that we don't have these around. 

Photobucket
Making music. 

Photobucket
Offering her wooden carrots to the Gods as a sacrifice to make Mommy's back feel better? 

Photobucket
My little ham. I was laid up on the couch with a heating pad on my back so she brought me her favorite-toy-of-the-moment just as soon as she was done with it and ready to move on to a new favorite. 

Photobucket
Why do I have so many pictures of her in the tub? For one thing, she's actually sitting relatively still. In this instance she was doing something that Tim thought was hysterical. I was trying to stay upright in the kitchen for just a couple more hours so I have no idea what was so funny. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Passing Afternoon

At last - a small window to sit and record those events that will soon be memories. With a running dialogue in my mind, I've been looking to carve out this time for days. Now that it's here, I realize that I have little to say. Rather, it's all been about moving forward in deed more than word. I get the feeling that things are going to start developing quickly now. As a creature of habit, I wilt at the idea of change but I think that the things to come are going to be good.

In kind, our moments here have been very plain. I'll record them regardless because as Sam Beam says, "There are things that drift away, like our endless numbered days." The only sin greater than not recognizing the beauty in these seemingly plain moments is to not remember them later.

Take, for example, the simple act of learning how to eat cold cereal in milk. She tried with her hands and then became quite determined to use the spoon. All things considered, she did pretty well.

Photobucket


I love this girl always but when she wakes up from her nap? Those cheeks are pink, that hair is crazy, her body is soft and warm and she is just damn happy and serene.


Photobucket


Last weekend was still dominated by rain and bitingly cold winds so we spent more time inside than usual. Much as I love her, finding new ways to keep her entertained and pushing myself to stay engaged with her gets to be challenging, as a matter of fact. This is good to remember when I have a crappy day at work and daydream of being a stay at home mom. I love the idea of it, but the reality would not be for me really. How lovely to have the option.

Photobucket


At one point in the later afternoon I had that strike of panic that comes when you snap back to full consciousness only to realize that you got caught up in whatever you were doing and now there is only silence coming from the place where your kid is supposed to be. I came scurrying around the corner into her room to find her carrying on a full narrative with her favorite story books. I snuck out, grabbed the camera, and went back in.


Photobucket


Saturday was a rare day. Well, these days it's rare. Tim is preparing for his oral board exams so most all of his spare time goes to that task. We haven't had a family day in what feels like forever even though I know that in reality it hasn't been that long. We finished our organization project from January and then spent the rest of the day playing.


Photobucket


My family. It's hard to even want to imagine how lost I would be without these two...


Photobucket


My little girl in our big city. The juxtaposition of a tiny young Ada with the giant old cypress and eucalyptus of the panhandle - something about it makes me crazy with preemptive nostalgia. I can imagine in 20 years still being able to vividly imagine her toddle through this narrow strip of old-growth land that slides so naturally between busy city streets.

Photobucket


Our local library branch opened up after a year of closure for refurbishment. Worth the wait, I tell you. That children's section is fleshed out with new books and comfy seats for reading together. I can't wait to go again. The grand re-opening was anything but subtle. I hadn't expected a neighborhood full of retired hippies to get so excited about such a thing but the turnout was nothing short of astonishing. My girl clung to me with a wide intent stare.


Photobucket


Because the entertainment just blew her away. Me too. These guys were hysterical. I've seen the guy on the left at the panhandle playground (pictured above) with his son. Nice guy. One of Tim's friends from college used to be in a Smiths cover band. Now he does a gig like this. Unexpected to say the least.


Photobucket


We stopped off at Cole Hardware (love our local businesses) for 20% off your whole bag day. I'm working on a little project for our newly emptied hall closet. Let's put it this way, there are very few people in these united states who would go this far to create a tiny, and I do mean tiny, bit of space for themselves.

Nevertheless, Ada scored a balloon and we looked like a travelling circus on the way home what with our giant 39 x 24" board, library books, balloons, and whatnot.


Photobucket


Last Sunday came all too quickly. I savored my last moments of weekend before being whisked off to work. It was a busy work week. Good, but busy. I just came up for air today.

Photobucket


The deflated balloon is less fun, but easier to grab!


Photobucket


Photobucket


My current weekend has only just begun. Today was so fantastic that I feel dreamy as a result of it. In fact, I can hardly wait for tomorrow.