The 2WW

For those of us who struggled or are struggling to get pregnant the 2WW refers to that 2 week period of time between ovulation and when you can either test or your period comes. It is an annoying phase that can seriously feel like it. is. taking. for. ever. Either that cycle is a bust and you want to move on or you want to get on with the business of growing a baby.

I thought my 2WW days were over with.

Not so lucky...we had our "big" ultrasound yesterday morning. I was 18w2d into gestation. Here's the bottom line: the cavum septum pellucidum can't be found. She has high normal lateral ventricles. These are one and a half of the 3 signs used to diagnose agenesis of the corpus callosum. On the optimistic side her head doesn't look textbook for ACC either. Nevertheless, our baby's brain might be really, really fucked up. We have to wait another 2 weeks for a follow-up ultrasound to either confirm or refute the findings from today. Then we have a decision to make. I can't even think about that anymore.

Crisis or scare? Does it matter? It's all I can think about. I don't want to eat. I can't sleep. I don't want to buy anything. I don't want to go anywhere. I think Tim has seen me do the ugly cry exactly 3 times in our 10 years together. I'm just not a crier. He got to see it 4 separate times yesterday alone. I can't imagine that there is anything in the world that causes more anguish than thinking or knowing that your child is in danger. I have never experienced anything like this. Ever. I can't even describe the crushing weight in my chest, the constant threat of sobbing, and the empty pit in my stomach that makes me nauseous. I can't even compare it to anything. No breakup, financial loss, or anything else in my life even comes close to this.

Ready for the irony?
Tim and I met in a developmental neurobiology class. We both got A's in human neuroanatomy. He went on to teach it to other med students.
And then there's all the testing. We really tried to cover our bases. The karyotype is normal, the microarray is normal, all of our bloodwork is normal, and every ultrasound up until now has been normal.
I have avoided all forms of toxins (natural cleaners, no parabens, no caffeine/ litter boxes/ sushi/ lunchmeat/ alcohol, even went to a non-toxic nail polish, wore the gas mask at work whenever I was within 30 feet of isoflurane). I have done everything right. Everything. I have to laugh at myself for thinking I had any control over this at all. Goes to show you that if God/karma/nature/fate want to smack you in the head it will happen. They don't need permission.

On the brighter side the people in my life have really shown up. Tim is amazing and I am so lucky. Heather booked a ticket from Florida to just come be with us for a few days. I haven't told many but for those who I have told the support has been overwhelming. I appreciate it so much more than I know to express. It really did make it possible to drag my ass from the bed this morning and brush my teeth. I think that if I slow down at this point I will collapse in a sobbing heap again. So off I go, doing what the peeper does best - moving on. I count this as Day 1 of the 2WW.

Day 2: I made it all the way to 11:30am without crying. A rousing success. The radiologist, poor thing, feels terrible. She emailed Tim last night and then tracked him down at work today. She insists that there is hope for us. I understand and appreciate the intent of the comment but really all the backpedaling makes it so much harder.

Day 3: I didn't make it very long today. I cried before 8:30am even came around. Then I did it again at the grocery. I managed to talk on the phone a bit. Diana made me feel a whole lot better. She reminded me to put as much faith in science as I do in religion. That is a much more fair balance. Follow-up ultrasound is scheduled for January 28th followed by more genetic counseling.