Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Shape versus Definition

Surely it won't come as a great surprise that the thing I've been thinking about most is the baby we won't be having. Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but it's just the truth. I'm getting used to being in my body alone again and working towards feeling normal. This weekend was rough in patches. Long stretches of clarity and peace were interrupted by moments of intense sadness and doubt.

There is a certain gravity to this process: forcing my way free is useless. I'm better off breathing through the painful moments and waiting for the peaceful relief I know will come. I've mentioned it before - when I force something to before it's rightful time a crisis is precipitated. Healing is an organic process that must be respected by allowing it to happen on it's own time. I just get impatient with waiting.

Life is full of amazing, moving beauty but let's be honest: life can also be hard. These things - the beautiful and the hard - are the things that make us who we are. Part of my job in life, as I see it, is to let the hard things shape my characther without defining me. Miscarriage stinks. I wouldn't wish this on anyone and I certainly don't want to do it again. But I can let it shape me into a person capable of much deeper compassion and empathy. It can sharpen my focus on being the best mom I can be to the little girl I call my daughter. It can remind me to "be kinder than necessary for everyone is fighting some kind of battle" because they are.

Deep inside I know that good things are still coming our way and I have evidence to support that:
1. On new years eve I found several face-up pennies
2. I've seen more rainbows this year than all other years combined
3. Early in the year I got a fortune cookie that promised this year would bring much happiness
4. My horoscope says that it's going to be a great year

See, it's practically irrefutable! Despite my darker moments over the weekend I just know that I'll emerge from this a stronger person, which is good for me and will be good for Ada in ways I can't even fully understand yet. Knowing that your children rely on you to form and then reinforce their foundation is a great motivator to search for the best of yourself no matter what circumstance you face.


We meet Sarah and Kathi at the park every weekend now and I love it. More importantly is that the girls love it.
It fascinates me how they mirror each other. Well, really Ada mirrors Sarah. My Heart is content to do her own thing until she gets a bee in her bonnet to either do whatever another baby is doing or to "mother" them mercilessly. She is amazing at sharing (most of the time) but this sometimes turns into her strongly insisting that another kid take her snack cup full of cheddar goldfish. My benevolent Heart - I love her so much.

The facial expressions just slay me. I also realize that this is the same exact jacket, just different patterns.

Talking on the phone. See how Ada has an eye on Sarah? And just want to add that they have officially switched snack cups. 

Ada climbed up on the sand pit ledge and stared at the back of Sarah's head waiting for her to do something so that Ada could do it too. 

An example of the mothering. God forbid Ada let Sarah go without a snack for more than 20 seconds.

In no other city could an even like Bay to Breakers happen like this. It's a race from the San Francisco Bay to the Pacific Ocean. People dress up in crazy outfits and do all sorts of silly things. There used to be a lot of drinking involved and I'm sure there still is but not so openly anymore. Ada and I walked down our street to take in the scene.

Can you find the naked guy? Always nudity. New to me was running with a cock ring. Well, not this guy, obviously. 


My little runner got herself some new sneakers last Friday. Saucony, in fact, and they even have laces (her first). She is over the moon for these shoes and fascinated by the laces.


A couple came dressed as the elderly couple from the movie 'Up'. This was their prop. On Sunday morning as my hormones made wild oscillations I imagined myself whisked away in this house with Ada and Tim off to some nirvana. Now that things are stabilizing and I am getting back to normal I remember that nirvana is here, laying next to my husband in bed with a one-eyed white cat making biscuits on his shoulder while my daughter sighs in her sleep from the room adjoining ours. My last 4 day weekend with Ada awaits. Tim will be off to Louisville for his exam and then the long road of residency comes to an end. 

A new chapter is about to begin. I am refreshed. I am renewed. I am ready to write my history and damn if it isn't going to be good.

1 Lovies:

Lisa said...

Too cute. PJ is pretty good at sharing too, until his baby sister starts playing with one of his toys. :)

Maggie has that pink and gray zip up.

I know your pain and I am sorry you are going through it. It's something I too, would never wish on anyone.