Saturday, May 7, 2011

Deja Vu

Ever have the feeling that you are reliving time? In this case, it's not just a moment, it's an entire group of moments drawn straight from our own history and re-presented in a new way. In some ways I feel better prepared the second time around. In other ways I feel annoyed.

A few months before Tim and I graduated from med and vet school, respectively  there was this weird period of time when we experienced all sorts of emotions that were good but .... well, they weren't exactly harmonious. We were excited because we knew long-awaited change was coming. No matter what happened, it was bound to be good. We were also a bit bejiggety about the waiting that was mixed in with the forward movement. Fits and starts followed by periods of waiting, great news followed by waiting for confirmation, questioning the viability of plans...

The things worth having take a little extra effort. They also can take a little time. If I closed my eyes and went based on my gut feelings alone I would swear It was the spring of 2006 again. I've heard deja vu beautifully described as a feeling you get when you are at the exact right place at the exact right time. Why then does deja vu always makes me feel like something terrible is about to happen? Nothing terrible happens usually, but I still feel kind of creeped out anyhow.

I've been in need of something to occupy my hands and, more importantly, my mind. I decided to try crochet again. For the past 2 years I've been picking up a hook and some yarn, making a ridiculously tight weave, and stashing it all away again in disgust only to drag it all back out and repeat the process a few months later. I am so proud of this little periwinkle rectangle! It means that I can teach myself something new. It means that I can go into a yarn store now and dream wildly about all the things I could create.


The major thing to occupy my mind and hands is, as ever,  Ada.


The closer she gets to two the more she knows her own mind. She doesn't quite yet have the language to express it though, which is endlessly frustrating to her. She can also shift moods faster than anyone I've ever seen: stubborn and fiery to giving kisses and hugs back to screeching and grabbing and landing on playing alone quietly can all happen within the space of 2 minutes. It boggles my mind! Sometimes all I can do is stand back and watch her ride this sin wave of expression.

Thursday there was a mini heatwave in San Francisco. We wore cotton dresses and spent most of the day with no shoes. She dug in the planter-box-turned-cold-box while the electrician scurried around the back of the house trying to figure out how to put an extra plug into Ada's room. It needs it's own breaker since we will use it for a space heater. Summer is coming - it's about to get really cold and foggy at night up on our hill. Ever hear that expression, "The coldest winter I ever spent was summer in San Francisco." Believe it!
The weather is like my daughter with it's rapid shift. Thursday it was beautiful but Friday and today the cold ocean wind is violently whipping the trees outside my window and I can't seem to get warm enough despite hot cocoa, fleece jammies, 4 blankets and 2 cats on me.

My Grandma Marge used to stick out her tongue whenever she was concentrating on something. Ada's feet also remind me of my Grandma Marge with her soft toes gently taking on the shape of the next in a polite toe-to-toe hug. 

Just for the perspective. We don't spend much time out here. The deck is sinking toward the middle, it's shady most of the day and when the sun starts to go down the wind starts to pick up on our little hill and it gets pretty uncomfortable to be back here. Most worrisome is my constant fear that she will toddle head-long over the edge and get hurt. 

Last spring Tim and took on the project of replacing the planter boxes outside of the windows in Ada's room on the second story of the house. The flowers are growing all lush and colorful now. The hummingbirds have found the feeder we put out just for them. It's a delight to look out the windows and see tiny birds, flowers, bees, and the tree tops. 

Sweet sleeping baby. I'll never grow tired of watching her sleep.
She is endlessly sweet to Puppet. He endures her special expressions of love. 

She really loves these sandals. She wants to wear them when it's sandal weather and also when it isn't.  Mmmm...socks and sandals. Would appear that she is already preparing for her retirement. 

And so we wait, our sprint toward the finish line halted by a brief period of anxiously awaiting development. Oh yes, we have been here before.  This time, waiting is a bit easier. 

2 Lovies:

jms said...

I love her little feet. Stress and change does seem to make us act the worst to the ones we love the most sometimes. Never have figures that out.

Lisa said...

I love that her little cheeks were hanging out. Too cute.