Thursday, May 19, 2011

My Heart, My Healer

The woman who takes care of Ada while I work was sick earlier this week. We thought she was not infectious once she came back to work but no such luck. Ada woke up sick this morning. GI in nature: no need to elaborate, right? I just tried to keep encouraging her to drink water as she refuses pedialyte. She finally was able to hold down some rice crackers and avocado at about 6:00 tonight so she's on the mend and I think everything will be OK once the odor of vomit clears from the laundry room.

The silver lining is that we snuggled all day long. There were lots of tiny cat naps - I waited for her in a sunny spot on the couch with a crocheted afghan and when she was done playing she would climb up and lay down for about 10 minutes with me. Then up again for 5, snuggle for 10, up for 5....She took her morning nap on my chest until I had to pee so badly I got up. She also took an afternoon nap, which hasn't happened in months.


Normally I'm all about getting things done when she naps - especially on the first day of my weekend. Today was so different though. I absolutely didn't care about anything else but comforting her. It's so unusual for me to not feel like I should be doing something else. We lay together for the most of the day with the sun warming us, her body molded to mine for maximum contact. Her weight on me pushed my roots deep into the heart of motherhood. Her heavy, rhythmic breath was meditative. I examined the red highlights in her hair - just like mine. I felt the most profound love and sense of purpose in doing absolutely nothing that anyone else would consider productive. Today was one of the most beautiful days of my life.


I didn't know how badly I needed this rest and physical connection until it was forced upon me. It's been a lonely week. Last Saturday night at the park Kathi gave me a great hug that was long and heart-felt and so very badly needed. Since then a bit of a dry spell. I wouldn't tell Tim how badly I needed to be comforted - he has so much on his mind. Twelve hour days at work don't support phone calls with friends or cousins on a different coast. So I cried in the bathroom, the coat closet at work, in my car... I grieved alone. Today though my sweet benevolent Heart healed me again. So, thank you, my love.


We did take a short walk today to a playground that is usually pretty empty. I didn't want to get any other kids sick but Ada and I both needed a little sunshine and movement. She pooped out pretty fast so our outing was short. We always find the neatest things on our walks around Buena Vista park. Today we found a tiny egg. The shell was so delicate and thin - it's top had broken off in a clean line around the top when it fell from the tree above. The embryo was still inside. I debated posting this picture but I'm going to do it. Biologically, it's beautiful. Philosophically, it's moving. Personally, it's poignant. Even birds experience loss - and they continue to fly.


3 Lovies:

christina said...

this post... this is what it's all about. and you express it soooo beautifully. i've said it before, i'll say it again and again, that Heart of yours is one lucky little girl- just as you're one lucky momma!

Lisa said...

You seriously one of the most beautiful writers. I'm practically in tears. I am going to have a day SOON where I just snuggled with my happinesses.

Heather said...

Love you and your Heart