Monday, May 30, 2011


Almost hourly we are checking in with each other as Tim and I coax our life back to "normal". Only it's an enhanced version of normal: you can't emerge from a time like the past few weeks and months without it having changed you. Whatever fundamental thing all those feelings of anxiety and fear were born out of is still there even if the situation has changed. We're pretty hell-bent on dealing with that because if we don't, that thing will hunt us down again and again until we do. Part of it, we've decided, is having invested so much into this livelihood that leaving isn't an option - there are no second careers or professional reinventions for us. As it happens, the life we have been inching towards is still there at the finish line waiting for us.

As we go through the paces of post-exam hangover we are also recovering from a horrendous GI virus that took no prisoners. It was a vicious and tenacious bastard. Last Saturday as Tim was arriving in Louisville for his boards, I woke up on the bed in the guest room at my Dad's house. I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 6:12 PM. My first thought was, "Shit. I wasn't raptured. I have to go to work on Monday and I feel terrible." Then next thought was, "Was Ada raptured? Because if she was and I wasn't and I have to live without her for 156 days or more then that's all I need to be in hell." The metallic taste coupled with ptyalism led to my next thought which was, "Aww, crap. I'm going to throw up now," and I did.

The day before the great vomiting sickness came, Ada and I made awesome rhubarb muffins. 

I am thankful that my Dad and Rob are near. I am so thankful that they cared for Ada for many hours on Saturday because I was far too sick to do it by myself. I am so thankful that Rob did I-don't-know-how-many loads of laundry with no complaint. It wouldn't have taken much to make me feel worse than I already did by the time Ada threw up on the bed for the second time. We were unprepared for a sleep over and we were a pain to have as house guests yet they insist that they didn't mind. That's love, friends.


So In the course of 2 weeks we had a miscarriage, a sweeping virus, and survival of a devastating exam. I'm ready to leave this little threesome of bad tidings far behind us. It would seem that the universe if happy to oblige as we are already well on our way:  I finally can eat something more nutritionally complicated than saltines or dry Cheerios. Ada hasn't thrown up in over 72 hours. Heart-to-heart conversations with friends in a cafe on a blessedly light work day. Heart-to-heart conversations with my husband because we can and we must. Cathcing up with friends on another coast over the phone. Hiking through the Sunol wilderness with my girl pointing out airplanes, butterflies, birds, and cows. Endless waiting for test results brought to a dramatic eleventh hour crescendo among tears and hugging - there was so much feeling that Ada was frightened and started to cry!


At this point, I'm going to get this out there for historical documentation because already there are things to look forward to and other topics stewing about in my mind. With all the living we've been doing over the past few days I haven't had time to catch up with myself! Not a bad problem to have.

4 Lovies:

Heather said...

Love your blog! Hugs to my sister and her family.

Lisa said...

So glad you are feeling better. :)

Rebekah said...

I am so so sorry for your loss truly what a terrible month you have had. I hope that you are on the road to recovery and healing feeling stronger each day, you are a brave a beautiful Mom xo

Aunt Barb said...

I wish you would call me more often to talk. I am learning so much that I could share with you. We have many of the same feelings. I am so sorry for your loss (you, Tim, and Ada). I have been praying every night to God the He sends Ada a baby brother or sister. I won't stop praying. I love reading your blog. Thank you for sharing with us. Love all of you! XOXOXOXO