Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Fart. I'm Tired.

This was my first full week back at work full time. Holy shit. I am exhausted.

Veterinary medicine has busy seasons and times when business is a bit slower. We are entering a busier season. I am feeling it. At 19 appointments (only 20 minutes long), 2 day cases, phone calls (38 phone messages waiting for me on Sunday morning), cases to research, and transferred hospitalized cases my day is full. Today was just one of those days when I wanted to quit on the spot.

I work at a place whose mission is literally to be the biggest and the best hospital in the United States. We practice a high quality of medicine is all I'm saying. Sometimes I feel like I can't compete. Well, really I feel like I don't want to compete. I'm OK with not being the fanciest fish in this pond. Some people I work with or for would see this as a major character flaw. So what.

That's not to say that I don't do right by my patients and clients. I do. In fact I give and I give and then give some more after that. Out of 14 vets I am the most requested second only to the guy who's been there for 30 years. Why? That's because I give a shit and I deliver good care. It comes at a cost though. I wake up thinking about cases and unable to fall back to sleep. I leave my child in someone else's care for the majority of our waking time together. I am aging faster than what seems normal. I ignore my own health. I am stressed - stressed enough that I suspect that this is why we haven't been able to pull off another pregnancy.

One part of me is thankful that I have less that one year that I have to do this. Another part is pissed that I have to do this for one year more. Still a third part of me will be sad when it is time to go. I have true feelings of love and concern for the vets I work with. The animals will be there always. I suppose too that there will always be someone willing to sacrifice their life (literally or figuratively) to try to save them. The first lesson I learned in animal rescue was that you can't save them all. I hope, however, that I can still save myself.

Does anyone else feel like they are controlled by their job? Tell me about it if you remotely do.
Linking up with Shell at Pour Your Heart Out. 

6 Lovies:

Adrienne said...

Feeling controlled by a job is the worst feeling. Been there. I hope you get the peace you need and get to that baby making. :)

Lisa said...

I feel controlled by my job because I have to have it. I would give anything to SAHM. I hate being away for 9-10 of their waking hours. It blows.

Christine Siracusa said...

I am a SAHM and, even though my bosses are great and I love them dearly, I often feel controlled by them and constricted by them. And they don't pay well.

Shell said...

Definitely understand!

Serendipitie said...

I am completely controlled by my job, and not because I love it, but because I'm the only employed person in my household. Hang in there xoxox

Anastasia said...

I do sometimes too. I have to have my job because of insurance and sometimes I feel trapped.