Fork in the Road

Our house is insane right now. Hard to imagine that the three bees in this hive can make such a buzz. We are. One thing I'm discovering is that with kids, everything becomes such a much bigger deal. Take Halloween preparations, for example. Weeks. It's been weeks in the making.

Another example and the current big deal is deciding where we are going to be a year from now. Such major life decisions felt big before kids but now they feel massive. For Tim's job search is in all directions, literally. Interviews, travel and consideration of the possibilities are the central focus in our home.

This joker still likes to speculate about what might happen if he doesn't get a job. Things like one more year of fellowship or moving back in with his parents. He's such a modest ding-dong. He's about to get more offers than he knows what to do with. 

And so we find ourselves at a fork in the road. It's been a while since I've found myself in this position. The last time Tim and I found ourselves at a fork in the road we didn't have the entire future of a third party to think about. God willing, we will have a fourth tiny future to worry about too. ( First IUI is scheduled for Thursday - please send baby vibes.)

Big decisions. The hardest part is imagining what the next phase will look like for us. There are some possibilities that I have never imagined and even though I'm in a position now to do so, I still can't. I will support my husband, of course. But my mind is too frozen with fear at this point to wrap around what that fully means. I'm a logical girl at my core I've never been the type to do well with making a list of pros and cons or any similar logical means. No, I just have to sit back and wait for the overwhelming decisiveness and resignation to wash over me. It always does. Meanwhile, I oscillate between feeling excited and terrified, optimistic and defeated, adventurous and safety first.

One thing I know for sure is that she is our top priority.




What is best for her? Her education, safety, preparedness for adulthood, growth - mental, spiritual, physical, exposure to different cultures and learning to embrace, not just accept, the differences. Right now, I want most of all to preserve her boundless joy. Does she need space and nature like her mom or constant stimulation like her dad? I know that as long as we love her we won't totally blow it. I hope we don't blow it.

Grabbing for the sippy cup while on the swing is endlessly entertaining for both of us. For her, I don't know what the joy is all about. Normally if I don't give her what she wants on demand it results in her crumpled in a tantrum-throwing heap on the floor. For me, it's funny because a few years from now being teased like this will just piss her off. 

There are a few other things to think about to when if comes to the question of where we'll put or roots down. Of course, there are issues like financial security and quality of life. Can we pursue our hobbies? Can we nurture our relationships? What do we need and what do we want?

There isn't a way to know or to predict before you make a 180 degree change in your life if it's going to work out or not. I guess that risk is a huge part of the fun. Man, it's scary to jump off into the great black abyss of the unknown. I could argue that it also keeps me alive but in reality there are some geographic places that will never meet my needs no matter how much money you throw at them.

I need quiet and peace and solitude to be accessible when you must have it.

Hey Judy, notice a watch on each wrist? On her right is the one you gave her. On her left is a prize from her first visit to the dentist. Of all the loot, she picked a fake watch!

I need to spend increasingly more time with this one making homemade play dough in our kitchen.



I need relatively safe adventures like hanging off a cart in Target with an exposed diaper. Oooh. Dangerous! Target dates with friends are fun. My Cuban Maria and I did this way back in 2001 before it was cool. Let the tradition live on!



I need to be driven by something other than a tight schedule.



I need my family. I need her. I need space and safety to raise her in.




So much needs to happen before we arrive at a decision. There may be some vague ponderings on this blog between then and now, I'll try to keep it light. If you have read to the end and feel so inclined, do tell: how do you approach major life decisions?