I just now visited the blog of a girl who got pregnant about the same time as me and was due about 2 days before I was. She posted some recent bump pictures. I just want to cry. I'm happy for her and everything but if that pregnancy hadn't ended I would have a glorious bump and a baby due about 2 months from now just like her. Instead, I'm not pregnant and there is no pregnancy in sight.
I don't get it.
What did I do to deserve this?
Again in the Safeway Wed night I saw a woman with her baby. The baby was maybe 14 or 15 months old. She was telling him to "Shut the fuck up. Right now." when I came around the corner. This toddler wasn't doing anything bad, mind you. It was past 8:00 pm and they were in be beer aisle, her cart already with two 6-packs and she was selecting another. Maybe I'm being too judgey but I see several things wrong with this scenario.
On my way to work Tuesday I saw a woman stomping down the street about 10 paces behind some man who was apparently trying hard to not listen to her. Her son (I assume he was hers) was in an umbrella stroller that was way too small for him with his knees crooked one way and his head crooked the other. He was fast asleep even though his mom was all of 2 feet away and screaming at the top of her lungs. Again, it was about 7:45 in the morning and this 4 or 5 year old boy was fast asleep. I know I'm working with an n=1 but if you take into consideration all the women I know who have kids all I'm saying is that none of them are fast asleep at 7:45 am if they slept in their own bed the night before (or any bed for that matter).
I know we're all doing the best we can (or most of us are. OK, some of us are) but there are times that I see this stuff and think, "Even my worst of the worst is still better than that." And yet God sees fit to entrust little souls to these women? I don't get it and so I start to doubt that there is a God. I mean, seriously this must be proof that either there is no God or he is stacking the odds toward the human race extinguishing themselves.
And that's when I feel alone. Very, cosmically and spiritually alone. I would love a sign that He is out there, that he cares, that I should hang on or move on or something. But nothing...just silence. And God, I'm listening. Where the f*#&k are you when I need you?
Sorry to offend my Christian friends but I'm having some major issues with faith lately, in case you couldn't tell. I wish I had that some faith I had 15 years ago when there was so much less stuff to shake it. Or another baby. Either of those would be good right now.
6 Lovies:
It saddens me to say that I totally understand how you feel. And it saddens me even more that you are going through this.
I hope and pray that this will pass and that your beautiful Ada will have a sibling soon and you will be able to get past this hard time.
I cannot say enough times how much I love your writing. Much love to you, my friend.
I don't fully understand, because I don't have a burning desire to have a second child. I think if I had, I wouldn't have let life stop me.
But when I see how much you want this, my heart aches for you. I wish you do achieve your heart's desire. And soon.
I am so sorry Monica. My heart really hurts for you guys :(
I totally agree with everything you said in this post. I am not a religious person, but it kills me when people who want, deserve, love to have children are faced with such problems. I am so sorry and I just know that it is going to happen for you. I know that's cliche, but I believe it.
I think about this more than I care to admit. I'm still incredulous that I had planned so much prior to the loss of my baby - nursery colors, when and where I would take my maternity photos, what I was going to wear for Halloween, what our Christmas card would say. And then there are other days where I almost forget that I had a life growing inside of me, and I can't believe that I had a miscarriage. Just like infertility, miscarriage is just too painful for anyone to have to endure, and I don't understand why some of us have to experience this pain while others never have. There is something really, really wrong with the universe.
I am sorry. I will pray for you friend....big hugs!
xoxo
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