Monday, August 23, 2010

My 39th Year

It went exactly as planned: Ada and I spent the whole weekend hanging out. It was, in a word, heaven. We didn't have to do anything (but we did) and we didn't have to go anywhere (but we did that too). There was lots of playing, reading, and snuggling under a blanket because our heat is out. I wore my wool coat and a scarf to the store on Friday night. Oh, San Francisco summer...

Thursday morning the unthinkable happened - we woke up and there was no coffee in the house. How could we let this happen? With I in my comfy old yoga pants and a baby still in her footed jammies we went on the early morning walk to work with Daddy. A few torturous minutes later with coffee in hand the fog in my head and over my city began to clear. It was one of the nicest days we've had here all summer. Ada and I went outside to pull up the dead cucumber, basil, and tomato plants. Poor things...there wasn't nearly enough sun or heat for them. They perished in the cool fog. Instead, we planted bright beautiful flowers. We shared some fruit, yogurt and granola for breakfast. My happy Heart thought this was very much fun.


Then we spent most of the rest of the day mostly in silence and I cleaned my house. I completely realize how strange this probably seems to most people. I also know that a clean house shouldn't make a difference to my sanity, but it does. For one thing, when I am surrounded by clutter, disorder, and mess I am completely unable to think. Secondly, taking control of my environment gives me a sense of control overall. And I need some semblance of control like I need air to breathe. At the end of the day, when the house is quiet and clean, I light some candles - it's like an earned exclamation point at the end of the day. Something special.

Friday Ada and I walked. We walked far and long and fast. That's how it goes when I get to walking and thinking. The walk was really motivated by my need to make some space for thoughts just like the previous days cleaning. But the thing that got us out of the house was the excuse that we had to do some errands. It's like walking meditation- with errands. Errands like dropping off the styrofoam packing peanuts at the shipping store.



And waiting in the lobby of the Wells Fargo for over an hour for the one guy in town who actually does medallion stamps for signature guarantee.


During our trips up and down the hills she was humming and kicking her legs I was completely lost in thought.

What is it about milestones - these turns in time - that make me so reflective? The 1 year anniversay of my Mom's death is approaching - as is her birthday. I am stalled in my career, which feels unknown to me like wearing someone else's skin. it is: I'm 38 years old now. That's 38 years of learning. 38 years of all manner of things to be sincerely grateful for, laughing, crying, making mistakes, making friends, and healing my broken parts. I just can't believe that I don't have more of "it" figured out just yet...and that now I'm going to try to help another little human figure it out. My thoughts these days are like a moving target. Too much thinking - I annoy myself!

Who needs to think when it's so clear? My purpose right now is to pour all of my heart and soul and love and joy into this little foundation so that she has some chance at feeling confident.


Amid all that thinking, Tim and I had two dates this weekend! We went to Nombe - highly recommend it. Then Va de Vi in Walnut Creek - meh. It was OK. Most importantly, I got some time with my main squeeze. Well, happy birthday to me!

2 Lovies:

Connie said...

She is just so precious, and you are is the time to help set her foundation so that she can go forth and be!

Happy Birthday!

Judy said...

I think being a mom and giving her a great foundation is awesome. You and Tim are such wonderful parents.