The first manifestation of creation is using the law of attraction, which I have written about before (e.g. you bring into your life the people and circumstances that harmonize with your dominant thoughts). For months, knowing that a change was desperately and drastically needed, I've been bringing this to myself. Now it is here. This working part time thing? It is awesome. I really, really love it. Not only am I more relaxed about everything, but I am so much happier in every possible way. By extension Ada and Tim seem happier too. Last weekend we had time to spend with friends and family including a visit with Grandpa Rick and Grammy Rob.
Ah, yes! While life was so, so very good it is now even better. This is more like it.
Still, I am who I am and if you give me an extra 5 spare minutes I might go off and start an animal rescue group, paint a house, or run a marathon for charity (I have done all of these things). Even when I am too busy to breathe, my mind is dreaming up all sorts of little projects and imagining all these things I could do with Ada. In my mind I am this unstoppable force of crafting madness! I have managed to corral the many projects I have started, either in my mind or in real life. The truth is that there are so many projects that I want to throw myself in to that I couldn't possibly complete them all even if I had unlimited free time. Instead, I focus on things that are important to me and try hard to squeeze in other stuff whenever I can.
I am not a big-time blogger and don't necessarily aspire to be one. When I go back to read my own writing I find errors and omissions hand-over-fist. However humble, I'm recording my history as a mother for myself and for my daughter. It is incredibly satisfying to write it down. It's a reflection of our ups and downs, our big and little events, and our growth. Sometimes it is just plain beautiful. Other times it is black and ugly. Usually, I can spin it in the way that I want to remember it all. Other times it comes out all at once: raw and fragile. Perhaps one day it will help my daughter touch her foundation and understand something deeper about her own life. The universe is wise, and when she knew that I needed a pep talk she provided it. Thanks, I needed that.
For Ada's first year of life I did 3 smaller photobooks. At that time there was so much else to focus on. It wasn't entirely clear to me then just how much I would come to treasure these books. Ada loves to look at them too. For her second year I am doing only one book but it will be far more sophisticated. To be sure, this is going to take some work but I am so excited about the finished product.
a. Photography: Historically speaking, I have been a craptastic documenter. Having a child has changed that dramatically. Suddenly, I find myself driven by an elemental force to document everything from how she ate at least a pound of strawberries today to how she carried on so dramatically when I dropped her off at the gym daycare that I never got to run (April Happiness Project: Be there for my family). I took her home instead and just hugged and kissed her. My point? I am a young photographer in technique and composition. I want to change this. I signed up for a class through Calumet but it was cancelled due to lack of participation. I'm on my own. Practice, practice.
3. Brother or Sister: My only regret about having children is that we started so late! Had I known that waiting until we were ready meant that it might not happen at all I might have driven my life plan a little bit differently.
Nevertheless, we continue to work for another baby. I had nearly forgotten what this felt like. The hope, the 2 week wait, the arrival of signs that this cycle is over and then the repetition of it all. Our appointment with the RE got pushed back to early May. Meanwhile, I am getting needled weekly and I'll be damned if my acupuncturist didn't put me back on Chinese herbs in the powdered form because they are more potent. It's like drinking mud. I use it to wash down all my vitamins and supplements (like not-so-tiny pebbles). I signed up for this so it's not like I don't have a choice. I could use the daily 2 ounces of freshly-pressed wheat grass juice to wash down my vitamins instead.
I guess you could say that I'm trying to get pregnant "naturally": drinking mud, grass, and swallowing pebbles. I keep it up because every single time I ask the Magic 8 Ball, "will I be pregnant this cycle?" it assures me that I will.
Not on the list, but ever-present in my thoughts is this girl...
And how crazy in love with her I truly am.
I think of it all the time: I am creating her history. I am recording her history. I want it to be good. I want her to know it so deeply in her bones that she is loved so fiercely. I want this to provide a foundation for that is so strong - it might be shaken but it won't be shattered. Someday she will read all of this and she will gain a sense of how important she was and is. I hope it heightens her joy and helps her in times of doubt.