Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Licensed and stable?

Tim found out this morning that he got his CA medical license. At last! I'm so happy for him - he has been more stressed about this than I've ever seen him in 10 years together. Hopefully, he can relax a little bit. This also translates into at least 3 more years in San Francisco and, I should think, all the stability that comes with permanence.

It's been an interesting few years for us. About three years ago when we were both in our last year of med & vet school the big looming decider was match day in March. I remember clearly how out of sorts I felt then. I'm a planner. I like to know what is likely to happen well in advance. We didn't know where we would live, be licensed, have jobs, etc. It was unnerving for me to be 2 months away from graduation with the full knowledge that we would be going somewhere but having no idea where that was.

Then we were in Jax for a year. That was interesting b/c we knew it was for a year - nothing more, nothing less. We could still go back to Gainesville when we wanted to revisit our old life. Just as we were settled into our home, social life, routine, etc. it was time to leave.

Then came SF. We purged our belongings and prepped for a brand new life. Once we found an apartment there was a host of other things to tackle: call schedules, my travel schedule, CA med and vet boards, me finding (suitable) employment, marathon training, city exploration, trying to make a baby and finding out all sorts of stuff along the way.

I realized something a few weeks ago: we don't have a lease on our apartment, my job contract is "at will", we are up to our ears in high-interest debt, Tim is at the mercy of his program, and we still don't have much in the way of stuff. We still have very little in the way of stability (or at least the kind I seem to recognize as comforting). I can't explain how weird it is for me to live like this. There is a constant undercurrent of anxiety. I could be fired from my job tomorrow (or when/if I get pregnant). We could be told by our landlords that they've decided to rent to a family member so we need to leave. The likelihood that either of these will happen is slim. Nevertheless, I feel like I need to start stashing cash in my mattress and formulating "plan B". Beyond that I don't know what will make me feel like I have finally achieved stability. Will owning a house do it? Finally getting (and staying) pregnant? Positioning myself so that I am indispensable in the work place? Having even the tiniest cash cushion? Having a social network that can act as a safety net (like we had in Gville and I so depserately now miss)? Perhaps I need to go revise my goals to reflect some of this.

1 Lovies:

Callie said...

I have no words for the instability... just wanted to say GO GATORS!!!