Monday, June 23, 2008


I've always been a great fan of music, especially music with lyrics. My life has a soundtrack that only I know - it's not some great secret it's just that I couldn't write it down like a box set of greatest hits. Rather, I'll hear a song and think back to a very distinct time, place, or instance. Funny how music can do that - define and entire generation or a 10 second event in one persons life. It's transcendent. Now and then a song comes along whose melody haunts you and lyrics define what you have longed to say but couldn't find the words for. There is this song called Jailbird by a guy named Jim White. It took a while for this guy's style to grow on me (mostly, this is because Tim played one of his songs over and over again until I threatened to put my head in the oven). Then about 6 weeks ago we saw him play at the American Music Hall - it was a great show and now I'm a bona fide fan. Back to my new favorite song, you can hear it below. The video is from the movie "Spirit of the Beehive" (I prefer the song with out the video). One stanza in particular speaks to me. It goes like this:
But in time, as sorrow showed it's face,
in kind I learned to ache for grace.
To work and pray to one day be
delivered whole, alive, and free.

Delivered whole, alive, and free. That sums up the quest of my entire life. If I could wish for one thing that would be it. In that peaceful state I could be anyone. Without being a slave to judgment I could be any weight, any degree of coolness, (un)healthy, poor or rich, smart or stupid, a mother or not...everything would be a circumstance and nothing more. I've read books about various religions (conventional and not), and tried and tried again to reconnect with the catholic church, which I grew up in. I don't know where else to search for this kind of spiritual intervention. Is that part of what "grace" is? You can't earn it or ask for it - it's just given to you like a gift. You receive it and are (hopefully) thankful. Once that sea change happens, it's an integral part of you forever. Until that time you wait and yearn...