Ever get that feeling like you're juuuust on the edge of ... something? Even though you can't identify what "it" is you know it's out there. Whatever it is, it fills you with excitement because deep down you know it's something good and you can't wait to finally dig in to the goodness that awaits you.
Not paying attention to the typical ups and downs of life, I've been feeling this edge-of-the-precipice thing for at least a year now. Dreams and plans have been composting in my mind and I'm just waiting for the process to be complete enough to start planting something in the rich, dark soil.
Last week I had to check out for a while. Something about turning a year older, being socially isolated thanks to a horrible virus, a chance to work with a personal coach-in-training, another negative pregnancy test and stumbling on the exact information I've been craving to find and BAMM!! the perfect combination of elements came together for a sea change to occur.
When I talked to this personal life coach-in training last week I was trying to describe my daily life. Gosh. Have you ever done this? As the words were spilling out of my mouth I was realizing just how ridiculous some circumstances really are. That's when she asked about my habits - what do I do to help myself navigate some of these really trying things? As I fumbled through a half-answer/half-excuse it became clear that I wasn't helping. While there are some trappings beyond my momentary control I haven't been very good at maximizing those things that I can control.
It also became apparent to me that I haven't felt good in a really long time - all the energy, interest, and enthusiasm I used to approach all areas of my life with has slowly been replaced by errands, long work hours, and responsibility to the point where feel physically exhausted and mentally spent.
For example, I've known for a while now that getting pregnant at this point was going to involve a pretty dramatic lifestyle shift. I'd been resisting it. The timing wasn't right and I'd have fought myself the whole way. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: every time I try to force something before its time I inevitably precipitate a crisis. So here it is: I'm following Dip in operation egg quality. I'm saying no to caffeine, alcohol, and processed foods for a while. Anyone who knows me in real life can attest to how horribly addicted I am to caffeine! I'm 8 days caffeine-free now and it's not so bad, actually. (when I just now read that I thought, "What? Is that it? Feels like forever!") I have some...er, replacements...to help me get that feeling of settling down for a good cup of coffee.
What with all the taking charge, yoga, meditation and supplements...
there hasn't been much time for anything else like blogging. The good news is that I feel better than I have in a long time on all levels. I'm pretty focused right now and I like that. I just hope I'm not too late. Too late for what? Oh my aging eggs and overall health is all. I really do want to be alive when she has kids of her own. I mean, truly alive.
Wish me luck.