And Then Life Went On..

After Halloween, our hard drive crashed. I think we can save almost everything, thank goodness. Meanwhile, Tim had abstract deadlines so access to a computer has been difficult. How many times I have logged in to try to get this post out there? I have lost count.

Life has gone on! There have been toddler messes with a grinning responsible party:






A little time in our "garden":








Playing with a discovered baggie of bulk split peas:




Some tantrums bourne out of who-knows-what:




And some snuggle time with willing and not-so-willing cats, respectively:




The other night Tim and I were half-heatedly watching House Hunters but whole-heartedly talking. The conversation revolved around the subject of TIME, a topic of much contemplation, discussion, and concern lately. For both of us, work is the giant nucleus of our day. Like an onion or a Gobstopper, our time is in layers around that nucleus. Ada is the thickest layer and then comes everything else. We agree that we're wearing thin by this arrangement and that everything suffers as a result: I'm failing miserably at something all of the time. As a perfectionist, this is pretty devastating. Sooner or later, something has got to give. We speculate a lot about what that thing-that-gives is going to be.

The subject of "time" makes Tim and I feel like this.

I am so thankful to the women who went before me and blazed a path that gave all women so many more options and possibilities.

Thank you, ladies.

So often, I wonder what these women would think about the double-life that so many women find themselves leading out of necessity. Is this what they meant? See, I think their efforts on the behalf of women have been a bit bastardized. Having a "choice" about working or staying home is a nice thing to say - but throwing the word "choice" around like you have all the freedom in the world to do whatever you want is just....inaccurate. Lots of women don't have any real choice at all. I know I'm not making this up. Women have lamented this very conflict since feminism took wings. There are books and countless social essays about it. It's a complex social and economic issue, I know that. I never understood the feelings behind it until I had a child and something new was in the competition for my attention.

I want to be with her. I want to build her a foundation of unconditional love that is so strong, so unshakeable that she can survive and thrive through anything life throws her way. That takes time and proof by example over and over and over again. I am her only Mom and she needs me.

I want to keep working. I worked really hard to get here and just giving it up doesn't make sense. One day she will grow up and she will leave our family. I want to - I need to  - still have an identity of my own in preparation for that day when she goes off to explore hers. I want her to see her mom doing something that is intellectually challenging and emotionally trying. But I want her to see me doing well at this.

I have a picture of my Mom with this exact expression on her face and this exact same body position.

As usual, I'm not sure what the solution is. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever figure it out. As a family, we aren't sure how to make it happen exactly, but we do know one thing for sure: we need more time together. Lots more time together.  Luckily, last week we were blessed with not our usual one, but two, count 'em, TWO family days together. It was as if the very hand of God Himself parted the clouds and planted this little present smack in the middle of our lives.

So what did we do with one of those days? We hopped on Muni and took a trip on down to Union Square, the Ferry Building, and Chinatown. It's really something to watch tourists in your city - what they take pictures of and such. Just a few of our pics from lunch at Hog Island Oyster Co., the site of our spontaneous first post-baby date.

 

See how we were sat at the "kid's table" outside? Too funny....

Pushing the stroller around is waaay more exciting than riding in it. Good grief. Do not attempt to stop her. You'll pay a hefty price if you do. Don't say I didn't warn you.

While we were at the Ferry Building we witnessed a photo shoot with Chris Cosentino, mastermind of Incanto, an awesome place to eat if ever you are in town (and a wee bit adventurous). If you're a foodie, you  might have seen him on Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations" and on the Food Network. Perhaps it inspired me to do what I did next, I'm not sure. It was one of those things where you stop in order to be polite (Tim was in line at Blue Bottle coffee while I bounced up and down wearing my fussy toddler). You you don't really want to listen to the person who is trying to sell you something but then you do and it's all a good thing. We don't get to the farmers market as reliably as I might like and our own attempts to grow food in the fog failed miserably so on to plan C. I signed us up for bi-weekly home delivery of local, fresh, organic produce!! I've always wanted to do this since whenever we lived in Gainesville. Our first delivery arrived yesterday. I made kohlrabi coleslaw to go with our indoor pulled pork last night and we've been snacking on baked sweet potato, apples, radishes, and carrots. YUM!!! This is, by far, one of the best things I've done in a while.
(If you are local and you do this please let me know - there's a discount in it for us both!)





Ada is currently loving Kefir. So delicious.







And with all this nutritious food, our little "Nerdling" has decided that books about colors and barnyard animals are too boring. Instead, she'd rather read all about magnetic resonance imaging physics.






As the holiday season is ushered in we have so much to look forward to in our already-cramped schedule. In our absolute desperation to have some time together as a family we are skipping town soon. It's snowing in Tahoe and my friend is letting us use her house. Sweet. We have our tickets for the San Francisco Symphony performing Handel's Messiah, my favorite. In all, we are thankful. Even if we have too little time.