Snowed In

We woke up this morning to a fresh 3 inches on the ground and big charlie-brown-sized flakes drifting down from the sky. I went outside in my bare feet just to smell the smell of fresh snow and hear what isn't an absence of sound - it's the sound of quiet. Then it dawned on me...we don't have enough food in the house. We didn't think we were going to need chains for the tires. I am supposed to work tomorrow. We're playing it by ear for the moment but about 5 inches have collected out there by now and it doesn't look like we're going anywhere any time soon!

I'm riding high on my memories of yesterday. I don't really know what to say about a day like this one. It was perfect. These days are the ones that we all live for - a long, lingering breakfast, snuggles and hugs, practicing with our camera, playing in the snow, a dip in the hot tub, and then...sledding.
I am fulfilled.

There are no words to describe - I wish I could find them. I am here trying to find them but they don't exist. She is ... brilliant. And funny, loving, clever, sweet...and watching every single move we make. We had along discussion about this tonight after she went to bed. The intricacies aren't important but there has been a conscious making of a decision about the behaviors and patterns of communication that we want our daughter to pattern. We're fundamentally good people so this isn't a sea change in our lives, but I can't curse like an angry sailor when I drive anymore.

A picture says a thousand words. Hopefully some of these will succeed where my language fails.

The American Classic got a warning for being too far in the street. We took a little time in the morning to clear the drive enough to get her legal.

We miss our kitties. I made one to keep us company until we can get home to them.

This hill was perfect for little kids. There were groups of adults too just giggling and hootin' and hollerin'. It so reminded me of sledding as a little kid. Serious fun here.

This wasn't a big hill and the path was well-worn. Still, hauling a 30# toddler up the hill is some work.

The giggle and grin on this kid was enough to propel us up the hill again and again and again even though we were wet and freezing.

Looks like Daddy is bowling with the baby. When she wiped out she thought it was hysterical!!

Well, here we are snowed in at Tahoe. At least we're all together. I love my little family. Off to work on a plan to get outta here :)

Humbled and Thankful

It happened again. I started a post and ran out of time, got distracted, had to work...etc.

But right now? Right this very minute? I am in a house in Tahoe. It has great insulation, a fireplace, a great washing machine that makes me remember how much I really do like scented laundry soap, and a dishwasher (gasp!!!). It also has slow internet. We'll see how this goes - theoretically I have all night. Still, none of the pictures are condensed or anything - they're all just lined up and in here. Makes for a long post.


The holidays are officially here! The cascade of events started this week and I'm feeling like a kid about to run across the threshold of Disneyworld! The house is not yet bedecked but in my mind the plans are coming together - where the tree will go, the ornament I will order for her second Christmas, white twinkle lights on anything that stands still, and the annual haul-the-tree-up-our-hill from Cole Hardware. A container of cranberries is in the fridge waiting to become a sauce (wait, I did this tonight. And they were good. I love getting organic produce delivered). I've been drinking lots of my favorite tea to stay warm (Xiao's blend). I am wearing my nubbiest sweaters as the winds have been so blustery outside. Presents are starting to collect in containers under the bed. Today, we drove to the mountains to have snow. Here's what we're looking at for the next 8 weeks:

• Tim turned thirty-something on Tuesday. I planned to wear a very sexy dress for the occasion. However, the nanny's husband was admitted to the hospital. So instead, I pulled a hat trick: I call Zazie and the owner herself brought over a full meal, beautifully plated, and a bottle of champagne on-the-house. I puled out a table cloth and some candles and it was completely perfect. 
• Thanksgiving at Brandy's Place (an expanded explanation in a hot minute)
• Christmas tree time!
• Handel's Messiah!
• Grandma Judy visits
• Christmas!
• New Year/ 4th anniversary
• Visit to FL

We're in Tahoe. It just  randomly came up in conversation a couple of weeks ago- turns out one of the vets I work with owns a house up here and they rent it out. We got it for a song this weekend. I'm a little sad that we didn't do it up in the traditional manner of an enormous crowd of people cooking and laughing and eating together. Lately, our little family has been really feeling the strain of our demanding lives. Everyone we know is ridiculously busy so I'm not dropping a bomb of incredible news here.We just chose to deal with it by getting away for a few days - just the three of us.





We meant to head out this morning around 7:30. Tim was kind enough to let me sleep a bit, which is about the most decadent thing available to me these days, so we didn't leave until 10:00. Whatevs....a few slow spots came of it but it was a  good drive overall. Our little traveler was content between naps.






I think I might have been more restless than her.  I was kind of bored so I was looking at my camera - I'm still trying to learn this thing in little moments between whatever is happening. Anyway, a few pics came of it. Now, I'm no natural beauty. Neither am I a vain girl - I can easily go all day without brushing my hair and putting on makeup is something that happens on a special occasion. Nevertheless, some things don't change. I think I'll keep these pictures around because someday Ada won't be able to remember what my eyes looked like. She will barely be able to recall the shape of my lips or the curve of my weird big feet. So, this is me now - wrinkles, deep pores, and all.

I looked pissed off here, right? I'm not. I was thinking, "It looks like a bug eye in there. Wonder how that works?"

Then we came over Donner pass and I wasn't bored anymore. With all the physics, geology, and ecology in the world, I swear that a scene like this one will leave me feeling the grandness of something bigger and more cosmic than all of us.





We pulled up to the place and the neighbors were just finishing up clearing the drive for us. It took them 4 hours and was quite a project. We thanked them profusely and proceeded with trying to pull the American Classic into the snowy, icy drive. Hey, she's a Florida girl.She's still parked at the end of the drive and we just hope she doesn't slide into the middle of the street in the middle of the night tonight.



 






Tim unloaded the car while I put the heat on. Then I bundled Ada up for her first experience with snow. We had practiced with the hat and boots at home. Normally, she won't leave a hat on her head to save her life...unless she's distracted. There was plenty of distraction here.

So here she is discovering an icicle. Her hand slip up and down. Then up and down. Tim and I looked at each other an burst out laughing at how innocent this was but how ... it looked. He backed away and warned her that she wasn't allowed to do that until she was married.

We came inside and put her in her Thanksgiving outfit. We warmed up by making dinner. She was very helpful. What is happening in that little mind of hers? She hid every lid she could find under the kitchen rug! We had baked chicken, roasted green beans, cranberry sauce, and Stove Top stuffing. It was modest and we were happy.

 





It's Thanksgiving. This gratitude kick has been going on for me all the year long. Sustained thankfulness like that could lose it's punch and become less meaningful. I looked around here this afternoon - we're in a rented house, all alone, and we were relaxed and content. We read books and danced. It was beautiful. I looked at the hooks on the wall and felt a little teary-eyed to see a big man-jacket, my powder-blue winter coat, and a tiny little pink puffy jacket hanging together. I turned around and beyond the Cheerio's littering the floor there were 3 pairs of boots lined up on the floor with the tiny pink ones on the right. Just above them was a cubby with some little mittens that we can't figure out how to get her thumbs in to. It seems ridiculous to me that 17 months later and I still have these moments when it hits me: I have a daughter and I love her with the biggest love I have ever known. Yeah, I'm grateful. Still hasn't worn off.




 



Of course, tomorrow there will be a snowman, snow angels, a look at the lake, maybe some cross-country skiing, and a load of time for just us. I am absolutely in this moment. I am loving it.

And Then Life Went On..

After Halloween, our hard drive crashed. I think we can save almost everything, thank goodness. Meanwhile, Tim had abstract deadlines so access to a computer has been difficult. How many times I have logged in to try to get this post out there? I have lost count.

Life has gone on! There have been toddler messes with a grinning responsible party:






A little time in our "garden":








Playing with a discovered baggie of bulk split peas:




Some tantrums bourne out of who-knows-what:




And some snuggle time with willing and not-so-willing cats, respectively:




The other night Tim and I were half-heatedly watching House Hunters but whole-heartedly talking. The conversation revolved around the subject of TIME, a topic of much contemplation, discussion, and concern lately. For both of us, work is the giant nucleus of our day. Like an onion or a Gobstopper, our time is in layers around that nucleus. Ada is the thickest layer and then comes everything else. We agree that we're wearing thin by this arrangement and that everything suffers as a result: I'm failing miserably at something all of the time. As a perfectionist, this is pretty devastating. Sooner or later, something has got to give. We speculate a lot about what that thing-that-gives is going to be.

The subject of "time" makes Tim and I feel like this.

I am so thankful to the women who went before me and blazed a path that gave all women so many more options and possibilities.

Thank you, ladies.

So often, I wonder what these women would think about the double-life that so many women find themselves leading out of necessity. Is this what they meant? See, I think their efforts on the behalf of women have been a bit bastardized. Having a "choice" about working or staying home is a nice thing to say - but throwing the word "choice" around like you have all the freedom in the world to do whatever you want is just....inaccurate. Lots of women don't have any real choice at all. I know I'm not making this up. Women have lamented this very conflict since feminism took wings. There are books and countless social essays about it. It's a complex social and economic issue, I know that. I never understood the feelings behind it until I had a child and something new was in the competition for my attention.

I want to be with her. I want to build her a foundation of unconditional love that is so strong, so unshakeable that she can survive and thrive through anything life throws her way. That takes time and proof by example over and over and over again. I am her only Mom and she needs me.

I want to keep working. I worked really hard to get here and just giving it up doesn't make sense. One day she will grow up and she will leave our family. I want to - I need to  - still have an identity of my own in preparation for that day when she goes off to explore hers. I want her to see her mom doing something that is intellectually challenging and emotionally trying. But I want her to see me doing well at this.

I have a picture of my Mom with this exact expression on her face and this exact same body position.

As usual, I'm not sure what the solution is. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever figure it out. As a family, we aren't sure how to make it happen exactly, but we do know one thing for sure: we need more time together. Lots more time together.  Luckily, last week we were blessed with not our usual one, but two, count 'em, TWO family days together. It was as if the very hand of God Himself parted the clouds and planted this little present smack in the middle of our lives.

So what did we do with one of those days? We hopped on Muni and took a trip on down to Union Square, the Ferry Building, and Chinatown. It's really something to watch tourists in your city - what they take pictures of and such. Just a few of our pics from lunch at Hog Island Oyster Co., the site of our spontaneous first post-baby date.

 

See how we were sat at the "kid's table" outside? Too funny....

Pushing the stroller around is waaay more exciting than riding in it. Good grief. Do not attempt to stop her. You'll pay a hefty price if you do. Don't say I didn't warn you.

While we were at the Ferry Building we witnessed a photo shoot with Chris Cosentino, mastermind of Incanto, an awesome place to eat if ever you are in town (and a wee bit adventurous). If you're a foodie, you  might have seen him on Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations" and on the Food Network. Perhaps it inspired me to do what I did next, I'm not sure. It was one of those things where you stop in order to be polite (Tim was in line at Blue Bottle coffee while I bounced up and down wearing my fussy toddler). You you don't really want to listen to the person who is trying to sell you something but then you do and it's all a good thing. We don't get to the farmers market as reliably as I might like and our own attempts to grow food in the fog failed miserably so on to plan C. I signed us up for bi-weekly home delivery of local, fresh, organic produce!! I've always wanted to do this since whenever we lived in Gainesville. Our first delivery arrived yesterday. I made kohlrabi coleslaw to go with our indoor pulled pork last night and we've been snacking on baked sweet potato, apples, radishes, and carrots. YUM!!! This is, by far, one of the best things I've done in a while.
(If you are local and you do this please let me know - there's a discount in it for us both!)





Ada is currently loving Kefir. So delicious.







And with all this nutritious food, our little "Nerdling" has decided that books about colors and barnyard animals are too boring. Instead, she'd rather read all about magnetic resonance imaging physics.






As the holiday season is ushered in we have so much to look forward to in our already-cramped schedule. In our absolute desperation to have some time together as a family we are skipping town soon. It's snowing in Tahoe and my friend is letting us use her house. Sweet. We have our tickets for the San Francisco Symphony performing Handel's Messiah, my favorite. In all, we are thankful. Even if we have too little time.