Last night Tim and I were wrapping up the second season of Breaking Bad. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's dark and addictive. Ada was already tucked in bed and sleeping so sweetly. Every 15 minutes or so I went in to "check on her". Really, I was in awe and gushing with love - I couldn't get enough of her. I wish anyone reading this could see her...no photo or video can possibly capture how incredibly sweet she is. If you have a child of your own you already know how amazing it feels to watch them sleep. She just gives herself over entirely, hands flung above her head, breathing deeply, and trusting implicitly that we will protect her. That's the plan, baby. That's the plan.
I called Tim in at one point to just look at her with me.
"Isn't she so sweet?" I asked.
"Yeah," he mumbled.
"Yeah," I chided back in a mopey voice.
His explanation pointed out a factor I had felt but not put a name to: vulnerability. Her. Me. Tim. Us. She is so vulnerable. We are so vulnerable because of her.
How beautiful?! It's possible to love someone so much that it widens your emotional range beyond what you thought was possible. LOVE isn't even a strong enough word for it. There should be a new word to describe what a parent feels for their child. Whatever it is, it builds you up and leaves all of your soft spots a little bit weaker all at once.
Anything could happen at any time and it scares the hell out of me. Someone will be mean to her someday. She will have a broken heart. She will be disappointed. She will make bad decisions. Just thinking about it makes me hug her tightly folding around her as if I could physically shield her like I did when she was still an inside baby (that was only a year ago!) I want to keep anything bad from happening to her but I know that isn't the right thing to do. Without the hard stuff there is no learning or growth. She has so much beauty and wonder in store for her. Her life will unfold exactly as it should with or without my interference!
We finally got a pack n' play. It's time. Like her Daddy when he was a baby, she wants in the playpen.
I got her this little stroller thing that she can push along and practice walking. She digs it but it turns out that crawling is still just faster!