Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Letter From a Shitty Mom

Dear Ada,

Oh! My sweet, sweet girl. I am so sorry. I've been a shitty mother lately.


These past weeks you must be wondering what on earth happened to your normal mommy. The one who is reasonable, fair, patient and consistent. The one who plays with you, snuggles and cuddles you and goes for long walks with you. The one who includes you, engages you and teaches you. My beautiful babe, I hope we both see her again really soon. I miss being that kind of mommy to you. I am sorry for every single time I've had an outburst in the past few weeks. We are both so frustrated and apparently I'm not always much better at managing that emotion at the age of 40 than you are at the age of 3.

Baby brother is taking up so much room that mommy is really uncomfortable. She isn't sleeping at all anymore so she is very, very tired. Even simple things like breathing, eating and bending over seem impossible at the moment. Even though my behavior and actions don't always reflect this, it's true that I love you more now than ever and more than everything else in the whole world combined.


Your grandparents will be here on Friday. Once they arrive I can't continue to deny anymore just how much all of our lives are about to change but especially yours. Within a very short period of time you will get a brand new baby brother to share attention with - attention that has always been all yours. You'll go on a vacation to grandma and grandpa's house in FL and when you rejoin daddy and me it will be in a new house in New York. You won't see your friends again. We won't go to your favorite familiar places anymore. I don't even know how to explain this to you so that you really understand how far we're going and how permanent this is. We've talked a lot about how cool it will be to be a big sister and the blue house in New York but honey, you're only three. At this point it's all pretty abstract.

It makes me sad to think of how disoriented you will be even if you do handle it in stride like you always seem to. I also worry that you think you've done something wrong. Precious girl, you haven't. Change is inevitable and you are about to experience a lot of it in a very short time period. I wish I could protect you from this. The best I can do is try my hardest to guide you through it with love and patience and the consistency of your daddy and me being with you. This is just one more reason why I hope we both see your normal mommy again really soon.


I hope that it is enough. I love you so much, baby girl.


6 Lovies:

Brook Redhead Reverie said...

Awwww...I'm sure she knows you are the BEST mommy ever.

And...I think you are doing a FAB job holding it together considering the chaos that is going on. Stay strong mama, you will be holding that little boy soon, and Ada will be smooching him too.


christina said...

oh Monica, this brought me to tears. there's just SO MUCH going on in your life!! i can't wait for baby brother to come, i can't wait for you guys to get settled in NY. you all deserve some calm. ::hugs::

AudreyN said...

Oh my! You are a great mom! You have so much going on in your life. It just all seems overwhelming right now, but she will do fine. And take things better than you think!

Adrienne said...

Awww! Hang in there, mama! She knows you love her!

Heather said...

You could never be a bad mom. Anyone with more than one kid has been there. You are almost done!

Lisa said...

Oh honey. I know how this goes. All of it. The being uncomfortable, the snapping at your outside baby. It gets better I promise. And then you'll have so many wonderful moments of not only loving them, but them loving each other.