Friday, July 9, 2010

And this is what it has come to...

Tonight, while Ada was doing this:

Yes, she sleeps now with her blanket pulled over her head. I think she does it just to freak us out. It is quite effective.

Tim and I were working on this:


I don't know whether to be proud or sad about our little project there.

It's a piece of paper with an entire week from 5am to 11 pm, Monday - Sunday mapped out. Protected time. Non-negotiable time. It's a color-coded map to those things that are our highest priorities: work, study, exercise, family, date-night, Ada - all carefully blocked off. This is what happens when, after a year of trying every other method that has worked in the past, I still can't say that I feel even a little bit balanced.

Some women make it all look so easy. If it really is happening for them seamlessly well then God love 'em - you know how much I love things to happen organically. Maybe that's why I feel reserved about our little rainbow colored blocks on paper: it's so forced. In my experience, whenever I force something to happen outside of it's natural time I precipitate a crisis. And another thing: it's too neat. Life isn't neat.
Yes, there may be times when real life conflicts with the orange block of time. So be it. When Ada grows into a new stage this plan will begin to feel like a pair of ill-fitting shoes. So it is. Today, we have to try though. If we carry on with this "let the chips fall where they may" approach, which isn't working, then a crisis is going to occur anyway.

I feel obligated to clarify something: this isn't her fault.

I read an article recently: LINK
I think a lot of things about this article - some I agree with and some I don't. I'm sure my thoughts will percolate into other posts. I haven't been in the parenting game all that long so I'm prepared to eat my words but this sentiment that children don't make you happy because they suck the life out of you? I find it offensive because it's just so...disproportionately dramatic. Yes, I'm tired. No, I don't get to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I always wondered what happened to my friends after they had children: they changed so much. This has been on my mind since before I was pregnant. This blog was started to help me figure it out and now I know. I wish one of those friends had been able to explain it to me so that I wouldn't have been so afraid of losing myself.

I liken it to meeting a new guy and falling in love. We've all done it: moved to planet (fill in your old man's name here) for at least a little while. Remember when you blew off a review session for finals, that long run, going out with friends, or staying later at the office just to impress the boss? You were in love!! The most important thing to you was spending time with that new special person. You blew off that other stuff willingly, without resentment. In fact, it was exhilarating! You felt alive! You were doing exactly what you wanted but what you wanted had changed to accommodate this new great relationship in your life. If I resent anything, it's all the other crap I have to do...crap I had to do before she was even conceived!

I'll pick up all 26 pounds of her over and over again, ignoring the irksome protests of my lower back, because I simply can't get enough of her. And it it means the pedicure has to wait or that I leave H & M before I'm really done shopping because she's fussy then that's just the way it is. And while the moment-to-moment may not always be thrilling, the ride as a complete entity is out-of-this world. This is one ride I never want to get off of because it makes me feel alive (I keep accidentally typing "alove" - I think there is meaning in there).

And that's all I have to say about that. For now, anyways.