Same, same

Life isn't always uplifting. Sometimes the shit hits the fan. I just can't think of how to make this be something positive. Sorry about that.

Over the past month 6 people in my life have died, including my beloved Marge. I wish I could find the time or energy to dive into this because I'm sure there are lessons here to be learned. Their realization will be slow as things (read: unwanted feelings) continue to percolate under the current of the daily chaos. In the meanwhile, my experience of death continues to be painful and full of awkward exchanges for the living.


I read an article today called, "My Watershed Moment". The author writes of her mothers death:

"You look like you did on the day you were born," Nana had whispered to my mom on the day she died. I remember how my mother looked: bald, thin, like a baby bird. Now I know what Nana must have thought:  

My baby. So beautiful.

My mother looked that same way: bald, thin, like a baby bird. Ada was only 11 weeks old and still very much a newborn on the other side of the country without me. Same, same.
The hospice handbook explains the stages of death. They are exactly the same as the stages of giving birth, so recent and so raw to me then. Same, same.
They were the same, birth and death. They were exactly the same.

I think that this must mean something, right? I mean, it could be circumstance but I feel like the universe must be trying to tell me something.

If anyone has any insight here, I'd love to hear it. I'm getting close to not answering my phone again, which is a shame considering that I just upgraded to this a week ago:

Life marches on. Even in my garden the little plants do the only thing they know how: grow and thrive in whatever circumstances they find themselves. Smart. We have been harvesting salads, which is really exciting!! The warm weather last weekend burned my chard though... we'll see if it can bounce back.

Unlike the plants in my container garden we humans are endowed with the great gift of creating our lives. With every choice we create ourselves. I used to be a master of the law of attraction. I fell out of the habit but I still believe in the power of it. It's beautiful, that promise of directing your own future. 

I am creating new dreams over the past week. I thought a few days ago that one of them might be close to coming true. I'm not so sure now. I will have to wait and see. I was giddy with the thought of it though. That alone was a good thing to recognize: my attitude changed as a result of my thoughts and not my situation. Speaking of positive thinking...

My little French girl is here to visit! She is about the most delightful person I know. Everyone who meets her grows to love her. You can't help yourself, quite frankly! She is good people. What is it about old friends? That thing where you can not see them for a while but the moment you do it's as if no time had passed at all. Scroll on down to engage the playlist if you want to know how my house is this week. She sings little french songs to Ada and Ada loves it!! My girl is over the moon for her Auntie Violetta and my sweet V can't be anything other than her loving, fabulous self. Aren't I lucky? My daughter too.



My in-laws are also in town. Maiken walked for her PhD (GO MAIKEN!!!) and it's Ada's birthday so they took a little vacay to escape the craziness that has swallowed them whole lately. On Tuesday I went to work while the rest of my family (that includes V, but not Ada) went to Napa. First stop: the Andretti winery. I think my father-in-law, a huge racing fan, was in heaven. Did it make up for the fact that Ada screams at him in horror any time he speaks? I don't know about that, but they had a nice day nevertheless. Oh, and Ada tried to make up to him by stacking her toys next to him on the couch when he napped. Sweet gesture but as soon as he woke up she got scared again.
Poor peanut :(
Poor grandpa :(





Yes, life carries on. This means my wee one turns a year old on Saturday. It's been a great excuse to do some crafting, which  I love to do. It also gives me some quiet time to reflect - I feel oddly emotional about this birthday. I'm loving it and loving her - every single moment, don't get me wrong. It's just that...well, where did the year go? Dang. And I was trying to slow it down, savor the moments....all of these things people tell you to do because it "goes so fast."

Lord have mercy. Yes, it does. 

I think I've mentioned it, but this party is the old-fashioned kind. I think I've spent a total of $20 on it. This is a direct response to my mother-in-law telling me about her hairdresser who is spending somewhere in the ballpark of $10,000 on a cupcake themed birthday party for her one-year-old. I want to know how much my MIL pays for her haircuts!!!Party prep...








And then there's this one. My very own heart. God, I love her. I never knew it could be like this. Her tiny head is about to explode with all the loving from me, Tim, Alicia, Violetta, and Grandma Judy. She has been so happy!