Sunday, March 8, 2009

Before I even started this blog I had once central, burning question about motherhood: what is it in this transformation that makes some women begin to identify exclusively with being a mother at the exclusion of virtually all else? I had intended, in part, for this blog to be something I could look back on to determine if I had become one of those women and to trace the steps of how I got there. Maybe it's because the process itself is so gradual that I haven't come back to touch on this topic yet. A quiet weekend like this gives me time to process what is happening and then chose whatever response I want to manifest as opposed to reacting under stress and exhaustion, which is what I normally end up doing. It's still formative, but here's what I have so far:

I'm fairly prone to egocentric, self-absorbed thinking. In order to nurture another one must be less full ones 'self'. Since becoming pregnant I have observed a shift. My irreversible, unconditional connection to this baby of mine has forced me to turn away from the sense that I am the center of my own (or anyone else's) universe! Losing the familiar boundaries of my own skin and the weight of bearing responsibility for another is disorienting at times. Nevertheless, the death of my own falsely constructed ego that is driven by external circumstances...I do not mourn it! Rather, I think that the construction, maintenance and defense of my own ego has led to great dissatisfaction. I am trying to see this the opportunity to become more connected with something bigger and more meaningful all the while striving to be a person who can talk about something other than my kids. We'll see how this evolves...

1 Lovies:

Cori Zuppo, M.A.Ed., Doctoral Fellow (BGSU) said...

Since David is 13 and Andrew is 6 there has been a little lull in the "action" here and there. However, lulls notwithstanding, I notice periodic shifts and readjustments. Probably some of the most profound moments have been standing over David while he stares into my eyes and someone is stitching him up (or removing some weird cyst in his mouth, or whatever...the "gross" stuff is my job) and what he looks for is my steadiness. My assurance. My strength. It is sometimes painful and hard, but he still needs that stability and so I forgo fear, sadness, whatever, to give him what he needs. And we get through it. Sometimes he provides comfort for me when I need it. Andrew's learning the same give and take too and it's quite cool when I see my kids reach out to someone else, emulating what they might have gotten in the way of strength and stability from me or Dave. So when the scales tip and I'm giving more than my share to mothering, eventually they tip back, I recharge doing whatever I need to do for myself, and we're all a little stronger for it. I don't often feel like they have all taken over my life irreparably but there are days when the neediness can be overwhelming. When I feel like I'm totally losing myself, I fix it. To me, this is the blessing of having kids when I was a little older and more mature to know how not to lose myself. When I was younger I couldn't have righted the ship that well, but now, we're ok.