All systems 'GO!"

So the reproductive endocrinology black hole did, in fact, swallow me.

I had my consultation last Monday - that was 8 days ago. My RE is a nice guy. He's younger than I expected and he told me funny stories about his Rottie the whole time. He had a new fellow with him and, bless his heart, the guy was trying so hard and worked with complete earnest. So I got thoroughly interviewed twice and examined twice. I'm here to tell you that if there is a life experience not meant to last twice as long, having the ultrasound probe in your vag and pressed against your cervix is the one. Ugh. Nevertheless, I found out that both ovaries are active with about 6 follicles on each side. Righty was the active one last month and is predicted to be the producer again this month. Go righty!

I went for all the bloodwork they ordered on Wednesday (6 days ago). I haven't heard anything about that yet. It was prolactin again and a bunch of other infectious disease related things. I think I'm clean so I hope I'm right about that.

Today was my HSG. They were concerned about my tubes b/c I had an appendectomy a few years back and it was laparoscopic - they make one of the three incisions just cranial to your pubis. Ouch! What I was more afraid of was running into someone I knew when I was in radiology having the procedure done. Who was slated to do my HSG? Peter J - I was at AsiaSF, a transexual drag show, with him a couple months ago. I bought a body shot for him to do off one of the trannies and have the pictures to blackmail him with (there are PG pictures from that night in my FB stuff)! No effing way was he going anywhere near my snatch. So I had a new earnest and hardworking fellow instead. Hooray! My tubes are clear. There was a moment there when I was close to puking - apparently the left tube was resistant and that created some bad pressure. Now the cobwebs are all blown out so the path is clear! All the 6+ tips were spot on. I was glad I had my own socks since I hadn't had my toes done in a few weeks. I am, however, freshly waxed. C'mon. I'm a lady.

This leaves us with no appreciable reason to not be pregnant yet. I'm on to Clomid with my next cycle if this one is a bust (and let's face it, it probably is).

I admit it...I am not the strong one

The past week or so hasn't been so good for me. I've made a list:
1. Tim was away at a physics immersion course in preparation for his upcoming board exam (I've lost count - this is maybe #4 of 8 exams?)
2. I seriously got my ass handed to me at work (see below) with 3 ER shifts in one week. Lots of really sick animals.
3. I am too preoccupied with self-pity for a variety of pathetic "reasons".
4. The events in #3 prompted me to call the "infertility specialist" and make an appointment - it's on August 18th. That's 3 days before my 36th birthday.

Whenever someone shares that they have an appointment or this or that plan I think that they must be so relieved to just be moving forward. Here I am - moving forward - I have been moody, irritable, and depressed ever since I made the appointment. Somehow in my mind it isn't a beacon of hope. It's more of a black hole.

I'm normally pretty good at pulling myself out of a funk. This time? I can't seem to find the trail of breadcrumbs that always has led me out of the funk forest before. No, this one just has plopped on me like a wet blanket that refuses to move. I notice that I am isolating myself (no phone calls, no email replies, not posting) and that isn't going to be helpful. But I feel so bitchy now I can't imagine who would want to be around me - I pity Tim for having to live in the same house with me right now. I can't stand myself at the moment.

6dpo

It's that time again folks.

I'm at the point in my cycle when I start looking over my chart several times a day, weighing the timeliness of sex vs. ovulation, scrutinizing my temperature pattern, and considering the possibilities. Sometimes I allow myself to be optimistic and I think "Hey, this might be the cycle." Other times when I am in my most cynical frame of mind I think "Right, like it matters" and I pour a glass of wine. Sometimes these thoughts occur within minutes of each other and the wine gets poured out.
I am temporarily albeit reliably schizophrenic at this stage. I realize how foolish I am to allow myself to feel hopeful and excited like I did when we first started trying (a year and a half ago). That naive fantasy has only been met with one disappointing plastic one-lined stick after another. I drift off in thought and where Tim asks me what's on my mind I don't really know how to tell the truth - it's the same depressing answer day after day. I am obsessed with what my temperature will be in the morning - if it is up there is hope and if it is down I am sunk again. The suspense makes the days go by at a snails pace and I am no good at waiting. At this stage I either want two lines or to get on with shedding the evidence of another month of failure and start again.

Foster kittens

Well, now that the little monkey's are about to go be adopted, here are some pictures of them. Luis Benjamin Leon (or LBL) is going to be adopted by a girl I work with. She is head over heels for him and who can blame her - look at that little fawn tabby! Yolanda is available (hint!) and she's awesome - cuddly with a hint of independence & smart! Her gray & white markings are beautiful!These two could play together for hours...then they sleep as if it might be their last nap. So wonderful. Nothing holds a candle to a kitten. I truly never get sick of them.
Luis Benjamin Leon:
Yolanda (she isn't normally this stoned and out-of-focus looking)

The Pad

My first post about our place was very narrative, but the pictures were not so terrific. Plus, we've added some furniture so I retook the pictures.
First, the entry - I had in mind to get a credenza thing so that we could store scarves and umbrellas. I went to the Alemany flea market the other weekend with my friend Moira and found this beauty for $100. No, I'm totally not kidding and it wasn't stolen.

Tim wants the kitchen to be painted blue. I'm doing my best to accommodate his request, but it's hard to do blues without looking all colonial or like a little toddler lives there. I just don't think it's a good color for an Edwardian house. Nevertheless, here are the colors and the one I'm leaning towards. Any thoughts?

Living Room:

Computer/Guest Room:


Study:

Bedroom (still without furniture):