Since then we've been participating in the mental gymnastics of how to make this all work. Of course, we'll get from Point A to Point B it's all a matter of how to make that happen just as smoothly as possible. I've been psyching myself up just like I used to way back in my grad school days when the only choice was to just keep going. I remember clearly many instances where I would look in the mirror and instruct myself, "You have to keep going. You can do it all." Tenacity is probably one my greatest assets.
|Big Sur, CA just north of Nepenthe restaurant. I will miss how sensationally beautiful and raw this part of the west coast is.|
So, I found myself there again: dealing with it, pretending I was doing OK. But I wasn't. Thursday afternoon while Ada was taking the shortest nap known to mankind I was trying to figure out our insurance situation. As it happens the one month of our adult lives when we don't have insurance lined up is the one month we definitely will need it. Our COBRA options left us with a daunting choice:
- Stay in San Francisco until the baby is born. Our insurance coverage is amazingly awesome, we know the doctors, the facility and how to get there and we have a support network. The trade off? I have to stay here after the baby is born until late August when we can fly to meet Tim, who starts his job on August 1 in New York. He might be here for the birth but will miss the first precious weeks of his sons life.
- The three of us engage in a disjointed move to New York, keeping the family together for the most part. Our insurance option in this case is downright terrible. It would cost us at least $10,000 to have this baby and that's assuming that everything goes well: the birth is uncomplicated, baby and I are both healthy. We would be in a strange place with strangers all around us and a facility we know nothing about. That's if I could find an Ob to take me at 37 weeks pregnant.
I sat at our dining room table on Thursday, poised to throw my phone across the room in frustration. The computer screen started to blur and all of my breath left my lungs. Once the sobs started I couldn't stop them. Not even after Ada woke up and not even when I knew our landlord and dear friend was on her way over. There wasn't a way to deny what was happening. No matter how I tried to find an option that wouldn't rape us financially or separate our family I just couldn't. Resourceful, pragmatic, analytical me just couldn't make this equation work out.
|A tree in our neighborhood. Today the flower petals were drifting downward to make a soft pink carpet on the sidewalk.|
Tim got home and we talked about Adas visit with the dentist and my visit with my Ob. I walked into Target to return something and actually walked out without buying anything - a first. I had meant to save the rest of the days events for Friday night after his workweek was over but he was open to hearing the rest so I spilled. All of my insurance math and rationale tumbled out in an endless stream of verbal vomit. As soon as I stopped talking Tim looked up and said, "In a way, this makes so much more sense." One thing I love about this man is that he possesses the rare yet enviable trait of not always needing to be adversarial and contrary - he doesn't need to argue just for the sake of saying a devils advocate had been part of the conversation.
|Myakka River State Park, FL. Captured moment between a couple on the tour boat. I loved the simplicity of their affection for one another.|
And that's that: we're staying in San Francisco until after the baby is born.
I let my held breath out and immediately the rightness of our decision settled comfortably in my gut. The last time I felt this right about a decision was when I used all of my vacation days up so that Tim could study on Sundays and pass his oral board exams. As soon as the decision was made I knew it was the right thing to do. Last night was the first night of this whole pregnancy that I slept through the whole night. I woke up in the morning to light seeping in through the curtains in Adas room and I thought, "Oh my God. I slept until morning."
Again, we're engaged in some mental gymnastics but it's all coming together comparatively seamlessly. Another sign that we're on the right track. We might have even found a way to avoid the crippling financial consequences that we have spent months bracing ourselves for. Hallelujah! It's starting to look like things are going to work out just fine. That's good because I was really starting to wonder...
Speaking of gymnastics, guess who started tumbling class today? Really, they all just run around in a giant padded space bouncing and jumping and falling safely. Now that our summer is open again I signed her back up for music class, soccer, swimming... Oh, I'm taking this SAHM thing seriously (two more weeks).
I also started looking for a good source for a car seat for Widget and did a quick onesie inventory. I'll pour my heart out about that later.
|Terrible picture, I know. I really thought for a minute that the trapeze might happen. Nope. Maybe next week.|