Monday, December 5, 2011

TRAFFIC

P.S. For some reason my blog is not updating in your blogrolls or on your dashboards. I don't know how to fix this and apparently neither does Blogger. You might have to manually check me out from time to time until I figure a way around this lame problem. Sorry for the inconvenience.


In the short time I've done listicles I haven't deviated from the prompt. Today, I think I must.

The holiday traffic this season has just left me wondering how some people managed to get a license at all. San Francisco is also a pedestrian and cyclist heavy town. Sometimes these people like to use "right-of-way" as the justification for acting like self-absorbed assholes. This totally won't matter if they have severe brain damage or are dead but just try telling them that. Oh, the arrogance of youth!

For the Drivers:

1. Just because you re tired of waiting at the 4 way stop doesn't mean it's your turn to go.

2. The use of your turning signal involves little more than two neurons and a twitch of your finger. Use it.

3. Please, pay attention.

4. Seriously, get off the fucking phone and pay attention.

5. Please park efficiently. You aren't the only person trying to park in the neighborhood. Every time you park like a douche I have to park 2 blocks away and end up hauling all of my groceries and my screaming toddler that extra distance.

6. Fine. Cut me off. Just have the good sense to get the hell out of my way after you do it.

7. My neighborhood is not the airport parking lot. People live here. Pay to park in long-term parking like the rest of us. Cheapskate.

For the Pedestrians: 

1. Do not trust me. I may not see you. Someone else may be too drunk to stop for you. At least get off the phone/take off the headphones/look both ways before you step off the sidewalk to cross the street.

2. Also, if you could speed that stroll up to an actual walk I'd appreciate it.

3. Oh, one more thing, dear pedestrian. If the vehicle has already started in motion perhaps you could wait to step out into the crosswalk until after the car has passed instead of stepping in front of my moving car and then giving me a dirty look for having stopped for your entitled ass. I realize I have to give you right-of-way by law but this doesn't mean that you have to act like the world revolves around your poky ass. It doesn't.

4. Please, wait on the sidewalk for the light to go green. Being 1 foot further in the road isn't going to get you to your destination that much faster but it might get your legs crushed when a car comes around the corner and doesn't see you.


For the Cyclists: 

1. Please don't ride as if you are trying to make me run you over. If you swerve in front of my car or cross from the right lane to turn left going in front of my car there is a chance that I might not be able to react quickly enough to your lame decision making and I might hit you. Having the right of way doesn't make a bit of difference if you're dead. It also doesn't make you any less of an asshole for riding as if you were the lone soul on the road. Be considerate.

2. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you think you're super awesome for saving the planet with your bike. Newsflash: you're nothing special. If you ride like a turd and get hit, it's your own damn fault. Good luck being an arrogant, self-righteous ass as a quadriplegic. 


Whew. I feel better.

If you want to check out some Christmas lists that have more uplifting messages than my frustration with traffic please check out:

4 Lovies:

Lisa said...

I love this and agree 1000%%%%!!! and this showed up on my blog roll.

Stasha said...

reading this Monica, I am more then ever grateful for leaving in a small town... I really don't do well in traffic. You do make a funny list out of it. Quite adorable, your 'rants' :)

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Haha I wrote a post like this not too long ago and I also had the please, use your indicator and get off the freaking phone, on my list!!

Awn said...

This. Is. Perfect. Seriously so glad you left me the link! It's just possible that we're driving soul sisters.