Oh, for fuck's sake

I've been gone a while.

My mom was taken for a radical surgery a few weeks before Ada was born. The diagnosis that came from this? Lymphoma, which is probably the cancer that is the most amenable to chemo and has a decent prognosis. She is still having complications from that surgery almost 4 months later and chemo has been delayed time after time... she will probably be dead before Christmas. I have some feelings about this that most people probably would never understand. Really, if you don't understand it then you probably don't have an ambiguous relationship with a family member and you should fall to your knees and thank your lucky stars. I have heard, "At least you have a chance to say goodbye." It's cold comfort.

Ada was born. Life altering. Awe inspiring. All consuming. I love being a mother. She challenges me and fills me up. I worry that I don't have what it takes to do right by her. I hope she doesn't have my bizarre, ugly physical features and terrible personality flaws. I hope she isn't as socially awkward as I am - it's too painful. God help me, I will be unstoppable if anyone tries to hurt her though. Fierce is my love - I've never experienced anything like this kind of love.

I love being on maternity leave. October 4th seems so close :(

About 2 weeks ago I was cleared to start normal activity again. I'm trying really hard to be dedicated and have done well, if I can toot my own horn. In 2 weeks I lost 5.5 pounds and an inch from my waist. Well, 3 weeks after giving birth Tim and I were leaving a pediatrician appointment with Ada in the stroller. An old guy in the elevator asked me when the baby was due. Sigh. Well it happened again tonight.
Tonight I went to a cancer talk at the local veterinary referral practice. In conversation with the hosting practice manager and another woman from the practice he mentions that he is going to take their interns over to my practice for a tour. I asked him to not mention seeing me. "Why not", he asks? Well, I'm on maternity leave. So the lady says, "Oh, when is the baby due?"
Damn it!! I'm 10 pounds from my pp weight and one inch from my waist away from pp measurement. I mean, really? REALLY?? I am no super model but I don't effing look pregnant anymore. I could seriously cry. Ugh. Just when you think it's going well...