Miscarriage

Tori Amos wrote a whole album about miscarriage. In an attempt to describe the source of the pain and confusion she said in an interview "you have been pregnant, but you are not a mother". I have know women who faced this terrible reality. For these women the pain is so fundamental, so primal that my heart literally aches for them.

I learned today that my friend had a miscarriage in her 13th week.

The ache in my heart is back, but in an unfamiliar way. It is Jules this time, my Jules...OUR Jules. Intellecually, I know how much she is hurting and the feelings that are yet to come. What can I do for her? All I want to do is hug her and make her hot cocoa and rub her back until she falls asleep. Instead I am crying for her (really am) from 3000 miles away. I feel powerless to reach her and assuage her pain even as I feel my own heart breaking for her. One of "us" has died.

Every month I observe rather complacently as one more chance to make a baby passes me by. And sometimes I feel hopeless - it may never happen for us. But to have had another person in my life for 3 months, anticipating meeting them and building a life around them, and then having to say goodbye for no known reason...it's more grief than I can tolerate to imagine.

Eff the time difference

The time difference sucks. I called Heather, she was making dinner with Carolina. She called back and I was in a deep nap-sleep. I called back, she's in bed. Sigh. This is how it goes.

I MISS MY FRIENDS!!!

Greener Grass

The other day at work I was going up the steps after filling my water bottle. I was thinking ahead to my 4-day weekend. I thought, "ugh, this day can't be over soon enough. When I'm on my mini vacay, then I'll be happy". Then it occurred to me that I have this thought pretty much all the time: "When X happens, then I'll be happy".

How ridiculous is that?

There is a book called The Precious Present by Spencer Johnson. I need to re-read it. My old college roommate, Rammel (who is still hot and still totally rocks, by the way), gave me this book. It's about appreciating what is happening Right Now. There was a cartoon skit on Sesame Street back in the day about a guy who tried to do everything ahead of time - he got so far ahead that he was sleeping in his clothes for the work days ahead. Zen has even turned pop culture.

Let me first say that my life is pretty awesome. Nevertheless, I am so bad at this.....I perpetually undermine myself with this undercurrent of restlessly looking to the next thing. Don't get me wrong, this uncanny ability to plan has brought me where I am today and perfectionism has it's place (like not killing the patient). In fact, I am completely wedded to my Franklin Covey planner and am a habitual goal-setter. After all, "failing to plan is a plan to fail." OK, goal-setting is important but c'mon! "X" isn't going to make me happy if I can't ever stop to enjoy "X". Did I mention that I didn't walk for my MS or my PhD and I was so stunned that they let me have a DVM that I hardly remember anything from that day?

The past year has been good for forcing me to be better at this. I mean, I'm in a new city with hardly even one friend - I'm so bored out of my fucking mind most of the time that I actually confuse missing my dear friends with missing Gainesville! I've painted the house, read a hundred books, organized and reorganized, ran a marathon...I ran out of projects so I spend a lot of time just being and petting my cats. Too bad they can't come to the mall to tell me that shirt looks stupid on me.

Anyways, my point is that I know being 10 pounds lighter, paying off my credit cards, or having a baby isn't the key to my happiness. Rather, learning to enjoy the journey is the key. I'm working on it. Knowing is half the battle, right? I'm open to suggestions. If anyone actually reads my blog AND has a suggestion, please share. I fear that I will reach the end of my life with a 'to-do' list and no recollection of having enjoyed anything (except my wedding, the Duran Duran concert, and swimming with the dolphins).