Born Again

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." -Rajneesh

I love this. And I believe this: there are entire parts of yourself that are simply inaccessible until you have a child regardless of how that child came to you. Certainly, I've been through all manner of challenges and opportunities to grow but Ada's arrival is the single-most transformative thing that has ever occurred in my life. 

We are now expecting our second child - the one we prayed for, hoped for, worked for and didn't feel our family would be complete without. Not once did I think that I would not, could not love this boy as much as I love my daughter. No. It seemed to me that nothing else was possible but for the love in our family to grow exponentially. I spend hours imagining Tim teaching him how to play basketball and Ada being nurturing and protective like she is. His arrival is greatly anticipated.

I find myself wondering: is the mother is born anew with each additional child?


I loved being pregnant the first time around. I couldn't wait to do it all over again! I know, some people can't understand this and I get it. It's not for everyone and experiences can vary so widely. But I, for one, loved it. I loved feeling her move, loved that she was always with me, loved reading and connecting with what was happening as she developed and loved that my very capable, strong body changed to accommodate and nurture her. The physiology and biophysics of the state of pregnancy just blows my mind! I spent hours researching and planning for her every possible need. Magical! 


So far, the second experience of pregnancy has been a bit different than I expected. Not in the way that "every pregnancy is different" because physically it's really been a lot the same. The only real difference is that I'm more tired this time around. The biggest difference is that unlike the first time around, pregnancy isn't the single most important thing happening in my life. There is so much going on. Ada demands attention and I want to give it to her. My job (only 1 week left) is sucking me dry. We're about to move across the country - that is a very big, very looming detail. 

At 28 weeks with Ada. And Puppet, the very helpful cat.

At 29 weeks with Widget. Same shirt, same pants, same location as last time. 

I thought the belly was much bigger but I think it's the same. 

I am carrying so much higher this time though. 

At first I mistook this lack of involvement with a lack of enthusiasm. 

That's not quite accurate though. I'm excited about this baby! While I thought I might really hang on to this, my last pregnancy, with great sentimentality it turns out that I'm not. Not at all. Rather, I'd prefer this time around to just get to the part where I have the baby. In a way, it's a relief. I expected to be very melancholy about the fact that I'd never be pregnant again but it doesn't look like I really have to worry about that.


Because of all the distraction I haven't taken a single picture of the belly until last night - I'm quite aware of how I look when I'm pregnant! I'm not spending all of my awake time planning a nursery or browsing name books or researching laundry soap. On the one hand, this is pretty cool. Feeling comfortable and confident when raising kids is great. On the other hand, having less that I need to actually "do" at this point leaves me feeling less than actively engaged and thus less connected. That really bums me out. 

The lime green jammies belong to Ada, not that she'll wear jammies these days. The dark blue one is one that will probably fit Ada's little brother when he's born. He's so little. It's hard to really conceptualize that Ada was that little. 

Last week I blogged about a major change in our plan to move to New York. Remarkably, the amount of relief I felt after making this decision is astronomical. The weight has been literally lifted off my shoulders. My natural response to that relief was to pull out his onesies and footie sleepers, take a quick inventory of what we have and what we need, refold and organize them all and then put them away again. I got online and started looking for a car seat, our one necessary purchase. Then I massaged my belly with oil, a routine that was nightly with Ada but intermittent during this pregnancy. The last act was me laying down in the bed and watching him dance around inside me. 


"Just you and me little buddy!" I thought as I drifted off to sleep in our quiet house - the one we will continue to inhabit for 3 more months. It was reassuring to take a moment to connect with the little boy inside of me. I wanted to let him know that we are so excited for his arrival. And that even if my life isn't revolving around being pregnant this time that doesn't mean that I'm not thinking of him. At some level in my mind I am constantly thinking about him. That is one part of pregnancy I still really enjoy.