Blue House

Aaaannnddd...this is why I will never be a professional blogger with hundreds of thousands of followers.
It's been quiet around here. I know, too quiet. What's funny is that it's my husband who chirps up every now and then with a "it's been quiet on your blog," to which I mutter something lame about time.

After my last day of work two weeks ago I embarked on my first task as a stay-at-home mom and wife: Task Force Find a Place to Live in New York was launched 3 days after I quit my job. This trip was no joke. I had a job to do and I intended fully to get that shit done. There were lots of "you're crazy" and "poor thing, you should be resting" comments but I wasn't deterred. Without an address it was impossible to get this move on the road.

Of course, the day before I left for New York I spent the entire day in L&D ruling out a deep venous thrombosis. I don't know how Widget is sitting in there but the venous return from my right leg is shit. My whole leg looks like the surface of someones brain with some spider veins sprinkled on top to make it prettier. I'm not a vain girl by any stretch of the imagination but if this doesn't resolve once this kid is out I'm straight to a vein specialist to get it all 'taken care of'. Also, for the record, I'm tired of pulling my pants up. I've decided that pregnancy is just 40 weeks of constantly pulling up your pants.


After too many hours on a plane I touched down in New York. Last time I was there it was with the sole purpose of deciding if I could make this place my home. This time I was there with the sole purpose of signing a lease. It may be naive, but I was just not worried. I know, right? We've always managed to find great places that are way undervalued and being rented out by really nice people. Our current landlords have been by far the very best but honestly, we get lucky every single time.

I drove north of the airport, radio off and listening intently to the staccato directions of the navigator function on my phone. The Manhattan skyline dominated my peripheral vision to my left but I was headed north on a mission. Somewhere around Yonkers you can easily tell that the city is left behind.
Trees! Big, beautiful, green, leafy deciduous trees.
Grass! Rolling knolls of soft, fluffy, cool grass.



There is no doubt in my mind that this is the better place for our kids. As I drove further north I started to wonder... this seemed farther away from Manhattan than I remembered. If the father of our children spends all of his time on a train instead of with them then that's sort of a problem. No amount of grass or trees can replace the sturdy presence of their father. It was my first lesson in location. On a map, which all we've had to work with, everything seems so close. That's before you take into account the maximum speed limit of 55 mph.



There was a job to do but I also had imagined that I would have a lot of down time. When I packed on Saturday night I snuck around quietly in the darkness as everyone else in the house was sleeping. I put my practice crochet in the bag, a yoga DVD, bubble bath and plenty of books. Hehe. Ahem. Uhhhm....yeah.

I spent that week busting my ass, people. The whole week was spent on the computer and phone. I dialed a total of 38 addresses into my phone navigator. I got in and out of cars at least a thousand times. That seriously sucks when you're 7+ months pregnant. I was up late and up early despite this glorious opportunity to sleep as much as I could possibly want! By Wednesday evening I had seen well over 25 rental properties all over Westchester county. I was exhausted and discouraged. I tapped in a familiar URL as a last-ditch effort to scour Craigslist for something worth looking at. That's when I saw it beckoning to me like a brilliant periwinkle blue light. I called immediately. Wouldn't you know, the owner of the house lives in Berkeley. We talked on the phone for over an hour. That was just the beginning of the process.

I didn't want to announce it until the lease was signed and the check was written because God forbid I jinx it. I am proud to say that I did it. Behold, our sweet little blue house:

Our sweet little house is an 8 minute walk to the train station at pregnancy speed. Our cute little town is a quick 30 minute train ride to Grand Central Station. I know. I tried it when I met a new friend for breakfast in Manhattan Tuesday morning. There is a cute town center and a kick ass library. 

Oh, and the easiest part of all of this? You'll never believe it - it was getting Ada into pre-school about a mile from our new house. Staying at home with her is so awesome right now. It's also been an interesting time of unearthing 3 years worth of neglected personal business. 

I'll be back with part II, maybe tomorrow. 

I am Free

For the past 4 years and 3 months I have worked for a large animal hospital and rescue group in my city. I truly, strongly believe in the mission of this organization. I also love the other veterinarians I work with. It's not everyday that you can get 16 professionals together and have the environment truly be one of teamwork and mutual learning.

The past year has been especially hard. Tim has heard me bellyache nightly that I wouldn't survive another day. Dozens upon dozens of oysters and many bottles of wine have been the sole witnesses to the things you say only among friends who really get it because they're living it too. There have been many aspects of this job that left me feeling frustrated, disrespected and resentful. The time to leave came and went long ago but a rough economy made it difficult for practices to expand and there weren't many jobs to pick from. I had to stay put in order for my family to survive and for us to eventually move on to better things.

Survive another year I did. Finally, my last day is here.

Preparation for my departure has been ongoing this week. Tim and I hauled boxes filled with textbooks and notes to the car Sunday night. Conference proceedings and precious emails are loaded onto a zip drive. I've erased my computer. Also erased were nearly 8,000 emails - I don't think I ever permanently deleted one since my first day. I've been slowly telling clients that I'm leaving and recommending other doctors I think they would be a good match with. My keys, swipe badges, parking permit...it's all turned in and my exit interview is complete. Everything is done - neatly buttoned up just the way I like it.

Saying goodbye is awkward. It makes me uncomfortable in general. Other people too I think because I've gotten cards and found letters left clandestinely on my desk. Though we've spent countless hours together over the past years I know deep down that I'll never see some of these people again. They know it too. I hugged a lot of people today. Other people and I silently agreed to pretend it was just another day.

It hasn't fully hit me yet but I know it will soon: I don't have a job outside of my home anymore.
I am free.
Wow!

Ten on 10: Old camera, new perspective

We have an old Canon PowerShot A40 that Ada has been playing with on and off since well over a year ago now. We don't use it anymore because we have something much fancier. The other night Tim said, "Why don't we put new batteries in it and see what she does?" "Yeah, OK." I said and went to get batteries. Wouldn't you know we were out of AA batteries - easily rectified with a trip to Target on Thursday morning. We got home and I sat down with Ada to show her how to actually use the camera.



Then I let her have at it. She took pictures all day long, which is much better than I did. I spent the day cooking and cleaning for dinner guests. At the end of the day I realized I'd barely picked up my camera but she had been at it all day. So I'll help her participate in this months Ten on 10. I want to make it clear that this is not a mockery - you all know how much I love this photo project. Rather, when I sat down and scrolled through her pictures I was loved learning about her perspective of the world around her (looking out the window through a screen, how tall her dad is) and what she found interesting enough to take a picture of - mostly our cats, her parents and her toys.

All photos by Ada Caroline Shepherd, almost 3 years old

Born Again

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." -Rajneesh

I love this. And I believe this: there are entire parts of yourself that are simply inaccessible until you have a child regardless of how that child came to you. Certainly, I've been through all manner of challenges and opportunities to grow but Ada's arrival is the single-most transformative thing that has ever occurred in my life. 

We are now expecting our second child - the one we prayed for, hoped for, worked for and didn't feel our family would be complete without. Not once did I think that I would not, could not love this boy as much as I love my daughter. No. It seemed to me that nothing else was possible but for the love in our family to grow exponentially. I spend hours imagining Tim teaching him how to play basketball and Ada being nurturing and protective like she is. His arrival is greatly anticipated.

I find myself wondering: is the mother is born anew with each additional child?


I loved being pregnant the first time around. I couldn't wait to do it all over again! I know, some people can't understand this and I get it. It's not for everyone and experiences can vary so widely. But I, for one, loved it. I loved feeling her move, loved that she was always with me, loved reading and connecting with what was happening as she developed and loved that my very capable, strong body changed to accommodate and nurture her. The physiology and biophysics of the state of pregnancy just blows my mind! I spent hours researching and planning for her every possible need. Magical! 


So far, the second experience of pregnancy has been a bit different than I expected. Not in the way that "every pregnancy is different" because physically it's really been a lot the same. The only real difference is that I'm more tired this time around. The biggest difference is that unlike the first time around, pregnancy isn't the single most important thing happening in my life. There is so much going on. Ada demands attention and I want to give it to her. My job (only 1 week left) is sucking me dry. We're about to move across the country - that is a very big, very looming detail. 

At 28 weeks with Ada. And Puppet, the very helpful cat.

At 29 weeks with Widget. Same shirt, same pants, same location as last time. 

I thought the belly was much bigger but I think it's the same. 

I am carrying so much higher this time though. 

At first I mistook this lack of involvement with a lack of enthusiasm. 

That's not quite accurate though. I'm excited about this baby! While I thought I might really hang on to this, my last pregnancy, with great sentimentality it turns out that I'm not. Not at all. Rather, I'd prefer this time around to just get to the part where I have the baby. In a way, it's a relief. I expected to be very melancholy about the fact that I'd never be pregnant again but it doesn't look like I really have to worry about that.


Because of all the distraction I haven't taken a single picture of the belly until last night - I'm quite aware of how I look when I'm pregnant! I'm not spending all of my awake time planning a nursery or browsing name books or researching laundry soap. On the one hand, this is pretty cool. Feeling comfortable and confident when raising kids is great. On the other hand, having less that I need to actually "do" at this point leaves me feeling less than actively engaged and thus less connected. That really bums me out. 

The lime green jammies belong to Ada, not that she'll wear jammies these days. The dark blue one is one that will probably fit Ada's little brother when he's born. He's so little. It's hard to really conceptualize that Ada was that little. 

Last week I blogged about a major change in our plan to move to New York. Remarkably, the amount of relief I felt after making this decision is astronomical. The weight has been literally lifted off my shoulders. My natural response to that relief was to pull out his onesies and footie sleepers, take a quick inventory of what we have and what we need, refold and organize them all and then put them away again. I got online and started looking for a car seat, our one necessary purchase. Then I massaged my belly with oil, a routine that was nightly with Ada but intermittent during this pregnancy. The last act was me laying down in the bed and watching him dance around inside me. 


"Just you and me little buddy!" I thought as I drifted off to sleep in our quiet house - the one we will continue to inhabit for 3 more months. It was reassuring to take a moment to connect with the little boy inside of me. I wanted to let him know that we are so excited for his arrival. And that even if my life isn't revolving around being pregnant this time that doesn't mean that I'm not thinking of him. At some level in my mind I am constantly thinking about him. That is one part of pregnancy I still really enjoy.