I went to a prenatal yoga class this morning. It felt great and I think I'll go again. I was officially the least pregnant woman there (we went around the room: name, how many weeks, baby #). Being around all those big bellies made me feel normal and comforted in a way I hadn't expected. Towards the end of class the instructor was talking about feeling connected to your baby. It went along the lines of, "this is truly an auspicious time - the only time you are truly one with another person. You are now responsible for two lights: your soul and your babies." She went on to say thing about the changes we are experiencing in our bodies, the most obvious changes, but also the deep profound changes in our lives, minds, and relationships.
I tried to imagine my own mother feeling connected to me. I know that as a baby she did. She still wishes I was a baby. I know because she tells me this all the time. But something happened to her over the past 36 years and because of it we are sooo far from connected. I can't imagine feeling less of a bond with a person I'm supposed to love. This is mostly stemming from a recent melt-down on her part. Yes. Another one.
I found out we are having a girl last Thursday night. I came home and told Tim. The next morning on the way to work I called my mother at 7:42. We had a conversation that lasted 3 minutes and 41 seconds. I said to her, in these words, "You can start telling people. We got the first bit of results. Everything is OK, we're having a girl." The outpouring of babble came and we agreed to talk next week (work, In law's coming to town). Then I called my dad, we waited for dinner that night to tell Tim's parents, then even later on Friday I blogged on Pregnant Peeper.
I get a text from her on Monday morning that reads, "Wish i didnt have to find out things on the blog. Would have been nicer to hear you say it's a graddaughter, i'm happy for you both!" I texted back that we had a conversation Friday morning, remember? Nothing. I've called her 3 times and she won't pick up her phone or call me back. My mother never acts out by ignoring me. So she's in a corner somewhere licking her wounds and surely complaining to her friends to garner some attention, her favorite thing. The best I can figure is that she stopped listening when she heard she could tell people.
How am I related to her? How? How is it that I used to be inside her - completely connected 36 years ago - and now she is a virtual stranger to me?
The more important question is how can avoid this estrangement with my own daughter? Can anyone tell me this? Share a secret? Are you close to your mom? Why or why not? Feel free to leave me some comments...
5 Lovies:
I am so sorry your relationship with your mom is strained. It must be tough, especially since you are pregnant and expecting your first child.
My mom is my best friend. I tell her everything. But even though we have a great relationship, it isn't without its imperfections, and there seems to be a huge spotlight on them the last few months. :(
I need to try to get into yoga. I have been a total stress case lately and I bet that would help.
Congrats on your daughter! :)
Hey Monica! I completely understand the mother being disconnected from you syndrome. I talk to my mom about once every 3-4 months....and I'm very happy about that. My mother is very religious, as we have discussed in the past, and she believes in her heart that I am going to hell. pretty ridiculous. she also tells my sister that I am a bad person and she shouldn't pay attention to anything I say. again, ridiculous. and one of the reasons I am in no hurry to go to NJ any time soon!
I am so excited to hear you are having a girl!!! What are your name choices? I miss you and i feel terrible that we haven't spent more time together given our proximity...there's no good excuse! are you free on New years again? Dan and I are off...do you want to do something fun?
I also have off on Saturday, but am working this sunday, so if you are still thinking of coming to Woodland, come on Saturday!!!
I love you and your little girl! mel
Ma petite Mo,
In my family, women are the core and the glu that makes everything work. I am very close to my mom and grand ma but on the other side my dad (and men in general...) is a stranger for me... No family is perfect but I think that that's the way it is... Trying to be different from your parents are the things that all the future parents are trying to do... But you are going to do fine taking good things from your parents and Tim parents too, making a mix and adding some new good stuff. And remember you are a good a person, so I am sure there are some good things that you got from your parents because without them you wouldn't be the extraordinary person you are... And your baby girl with you as parents and all the aunties she has, OMG, is she going to be loved and cherished!!!!
Mille baisers.
V
Well, to say I understand is useless. But you know somehow my mother and your mother - when they went through whatever they went through over these many years (jointly, severally, whatever) they seemed to have adopted similar ways of relating to their daughters. One cannot describe it. The sad part is that I've stopped missing it (although from time to time I have these little visions of harmony...then I think about calling her...then I go work out instead.) Unfortunately, with children in the mix it doesn't get less complicated so I'm not helpful there either (Hey aren't ya glad ya have me?? hah!) Nevertheless, I do keep a tiny bit of hope in reserve; just in case. And don't get me wrong, there have been moments, but nothing sustainable.
On the bright side though, you have a wonderful, silly husband and you two will be phenomenal parents. You are building your own family and are well aware of what you don't want to replicate in your life, and so you won't. All one can do is try to do better.
It's a snapshot in time. That's all.
Love ya man. C
(Disclaimer: typed and not proof-read on zero caffeine after being up all night - whoooo hoooo!)
I'm so sorry. My Mom and I are really close but I don't know *how* I guess I can count on her for anything. (She occasionally has emotional crazy moments though) but they are usually brief and short lived. I'm so worried about my relationship with my daughter too. I really want us to have a close relationship when I get older. I guess I'll just let her know I'm always here for her and let her know she can come to me anytime. Do things together I guess. At least I'm going to try....
Sorry again about the disconnected feeling. I'm so excited you're having a girl! Congratulations again :)
AngelsAmid
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