Welcome Back

Where we were a year ago today is still a vivid, living memory for me. I wish I could say I grabbed the bull by the horns and rode that beast all the way to New York. A little distance is wonderful for cultivating perspective and I can now say with humility, "That's not exactly how it all went down."




The past year has been a mixed bag of stimulating, frustrating, engaging, overwhelming, funny, desperate and downright wonderful. We have a whole new area of the country to explore and THE greatest city on earth just a 30 minute train ride away. I was resistant to moving here at first but now I can hardly remember why. Rather, I am constantly trying to convince Tim that we could absolutely manage living in Manhattan! All our cats would have to be on prozac to keep them from peeing on everything in sight because our living space would be small but it could be done.

We Facetime with grandma Judy almost every day.

A community is gathering around us and that has been the highlight of the year. A dear, old friend moved to NYC from SF a few months after we did. Another dear, old friend is just around the corner. And the new friends? Wow! For me, meeting new people and forging connections doesn't come easily. I am delighted to report that I had nothing to worry about after all. The new friends have been one of the best parts of the whole relocation thing. I got me a girl posse and I dig those ladies a whole lot.

This family has welcomed us with open arms. They deserve a boatload of credit for why our family is in a good place now. This is how our kids play together and it is endless. 

We're settled in now. I'm learning the back roads of this place. I've memorized the squeaky floorboards in our house. I haven't felt this content in a geographic location for many, many years. Frankly, if we lived in New York forever more I'd be perfectly happy with that outcome.

Fishing off one of the docks somewhere on the west side of Manhattan last weekend.

A playground in Hell's Kitchen last weekend.

Ada spent some time at camp grandma recently. It was just me and my little buddy all day every day during that time. It gave me ample opportunity to take care of myself - to read, meditate, cook, do yoga, go for walks and just think. Only by engaging in some self-care was I able to recognize just how much I've ignored it over the past year. I've been so busy making a home, adjusting a toddler to a new place, being a cheerleader for my young professor husband, building a community, learning my way around and adjusting to having two kids that I fell into the classic pitfall of motherhood: I let everyone else's needs trump my own leaving the holy trilogy of my body, mind and spirit in a sorry state of deferred maintenance. That's changing cause you know what they say - if mama ain't happy? That's right. Ain't nobody happy.

Governor's Island.

This little blog space has been part of that neglect, I'm sad to say. Sorry, friends. In time of trouble some people use their blog to pour their hearts out. Looks like I'm not one of those. Not this time anyway. I was just too depleted to get my shiz together enough to hit 'publish post'. It kept happening over and over again that I would have thoughts and sit to write them but the words just wouldn't come. They came in fits and starts but nothing flowed or made sense. I don't want to be too hard on myself about this because it's just representative of my state of mind at the time, which also worked in distracted fits and starts with little ability to finish what I started. I'm sad that so many memories of the past few months aren't set in stone here but I'll find another way to preserve them for my kids. Anyway, maybe some of those moments should be allowed to just weave into the fabric of the recent past with no particular attention paid to them.



What I'm really here to say is that we're here. We are really HERE. My kids are THRIVING. I am happy. Tim is working like a workaholic does and loving it. I'm so pleased that I can make these statements now because last year I knew that in a year I wanted to be able to say those things and mean them. There were so many times over the past 16 months that I wanted so badly to fast forward to right now that I physically ached over it. Of course, it doesn't work that way. Instead you just have to move through it and let the overarching lessons tucked within the experience sink in deep. The work of creating a new life in a new place? Check. Goal accomplished.

This little beauty turned 4 years old.

Ingram turne one. My microgram is now a milligram.

So what comes next? I don't know. I've been a habitual goal-setter for so damn long that I'm not very good at sitting back and enjoying the reward (a classic perfectionist pitfall). I've had some time to think it over though and I've come to the conclusion that it's alright to just DO THIS for right now. It's alright to keep my home and raise my kids and take a little time each day to check in with myself.

While the ball will continue rolling somewhere deep inside because there is a master plan, I think I'm going to exercise my "being in the moment" muscles a little bit. 

The future will come along in it's own time so I needn't try to rush it along. Nothing good ever came from doing that anyway. 

It's good to be back. In oh so many ways do I mean that!

Cabin Fever

Before anything else, I want to point out that Playlist is working again. Oh, praise Jesus! The first five songs over to the right there? I can't get enough. If you're interested in some good new tunes that aren't owned by Clear Channel then check it out. For real. I haven't listened to 'real' radio in ages and am all the happier for it. Another good place to get good music is radioparadise.com. They didn't pay me to say that. I just really love them a whole lot.

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OK, back to business:

I find myself searching everywhere for signs of spring, craving the change in the air that invites an open window and imploring the tree tops to show their veil of light green buds.

We had a couple of warm days last week that teased me mercilessly. A cold front pushed it's way through and now day after day I hear "It's 24 degrees in White Plains today. With the windchill it feels like 14." Again? Well, that's just awesome.

I had forgotten about this particular stage of winter, which seems to drag on and on and on... Weeks ago the snowplows left behind little mountains that have since been covered over with a dirty black shell of ice. Now they rest on the roadside nice and safe thanks to the persistently cold temperatures to preserve them. I feel openly mocked by an inanimate object. It's all good though. I do remember how much greener the first buds look and how much cleaner the air smells when you've waited for them.

Daily I mutter under my breath, "We've gotta get out of here." I am, of course, referring to our perfectly cozy house. We spend a lot of time at the library. We have lots of play dates. I go to the gym simply so Ada can run around with other kids, an arrangement that has lost me 6 unwanted pounds in the last month. Nevertheless my toes aches to have freshly turned dirt under them and I long to see the straight little tufts of hair on the crown of Ingram's head and the long curls that cascade down Ada's back blown by a gentle warm breeze.




Here is where I find the challenge of being home with them: finding a way to make the mundane tasks of daily life a little more interesting. How to turn Trader Joe's into a "field trip"? Oh, the very words get her excited enough to jump up and down! Lots of 'treasure hunting" (lists with pictures) and "projects" created out of nothing. Today we made easter cards out of some random crap I got from the dollar bins at Target. Watch out family, you've been warned, they make no sense at all. Please just play along, OK? And if you could send her something in the mail that I can sneak into her mailbox, that would be great. A post-it note with a smiley face is sufficient as it doesn't take a whole lot of attention to make her feel super special.




The time will pass quickly enough. We have visitors coming, a dear friend moving to the east coast and a weekend trip in the works all before Easter. Meanwhile, all this concentrated time together has led to catching moments like this one




I get choked up just looking at the picture of it, nevermind how incredible and sweet the actual moment was. She's a great big sister and they both know it. He loves her so much that he won't sleep if he knows she's around. I have to ask her to play in the next room when I put him down for a nap. No matter how quiet she is, and God knows she tries her 3 year old best, he is straining to sit up to smile at her and play. I hope they stay close for all their lives.

Finally, for grandparental and uncle interest, Ingram had his 6 month check-up today (OK, he's nearly 7 months now). 

20# 3 oz (83%)

29.75 inches (99%) 

He's a big guy and the happiest baby. All you have to do is look at him and pretend giggle - it throws him into a fit of hysterical belly laughter. This boy is a light and a joy. You're welcome world.

Crying Uncle

To my left sits a tall stack of books and my cup of coffee. My Kindle is loaded with things that, in brief moments of inspiration, I decided I couldn't live without. A Valentine project from last year sits on the table still only half done. There are dishes and laundry to do. We have music class in less than 90 minutes and none of us is dressed yet. 

I've heard the analogy made that life is like juggling - some balls are up in the air being expertly tossed about at just the right moment while others lie on the ground, bouncing, rolling and generally going wayward. I've definitely dropped the reading ball just as I have dropped the blogging ball. Over the past three days three family members have contacted me independent of one another to ask what the heck is going on? Why no blogging? 

Sorry, been busy with this: 

and this:

Eczema. We're working on it. 

I'm a stay at home mom for the moment. I'm a suburban housewife. I got my Mrs. degree, as my mother would say. In the eyes of some, I've achieved a dream. And in the eyes of myself all the way up to May 14th I was pretty convinced that this was going to be really awesome. It is awesome but I'd say my definition of that word has expanded to include more than it ever did before. 

I really thought that being a stay-at-home-mom was, oh, how to say this gently? Easy. You know, lots of free time, waking up when you wanted to, not being rushed, doing crafts and baking, taking yoga and going for a morning run every day. I thought that because you weren't leaving all things family behind for 40+ hours a week that the list of stuff to manage would be tamed somehow.

I was wrong. SO WRONG.


This is harder than I expected.

I am astonished - I mean, absolutely astonished, that I am having so much trouble to keep up with two children, a not-very-demanding husband and a modestly sized house. Me. I am addicted to my Franklin Covey planner. I am a goal-setter, a high achiever, a perfectionist and above all else, a complete control freak. Back to those balls in the air. Just when I'm victoriously throwing my hands in the air shouting "I did it!" (a phrase in my lexicon, no doubt, thanks to Dora the Explorer ) because it seems that I've managed to achieve something resembling balance there comes another ball tossed in the air and a different ball drops.

Sigh.

It's not all bad. Our morning table today.

I'm learning. Slowly. It's sinking in that to embrace some of the beautiful, joyful but fleeting parts of my life I have to let some other things go. Knowing that how you approach a situation, that is, your attitude, makes all the difference in the world I have decided to pretty much try my hardest at rocking out this staying home thing. Dare I say that most of the time we are having fun.

Morning tea parties




The boys watching the Super Bowl




Playing orange melon smile

She is full of questions now. "What's his name?" and "What she said?" and "Where are those cars going?" are common ones to hear. I love how she shouts ,"Zero!" whenever a timer goes off. We look for geese when we drive along the Bronx River Parkway. She comes up with hilarious little projects like rearranging our silverware so all the spoons and all the forks are together

and she puts glass baby food jars on her baby giraffes feet because apparently you need to wear shoes to drink coffee

He's sitting up and about to crawl any day now. He's love, love loving solids

This hair tuft drives me crazy. I must spend at least 2 hours a day rubbing his downy head with my cheek and my hand. Oh, and he looks like he might be a ginger. I'll be helpless if he is.

My God, how she is growing. She is so perceptive and so sensitive - much more than Tim and I realized. We are having to really watch ourselves with her now. She has lately come up with things that we are quite certain we haven't said to her, which introduces a new ball to juggle: damage control when she hears something terrible from somewhere else. 

She is at last using the potty




Exploration abounds

I'll try to be better about blogging. If for no other reason than to keep up the recording of memories. I do find it so gratifying to go back on this little site and see what we were up to at some point in the past.  It's good perspective. Happy hump day. I'll see you again next month. Just kidding (I hope). We'll see what I'm able to juggle later in the week!

The Big Button: Ballet, Solids and Florida

OK, here's the deal: I have a backlog of blog posts just piling up one on top of the other. I have plenty of insightful, descriptive things to say but I'm afraid that, true to my nature, I've let the perfect be the enemy of the good and consequently nothing is being written at all. I've got to button up a few things here or it will never get done, I'll fall embarrassingly behind and the hole will get deeper until I give up. Lots of pictures, few words.

That toothless smile isn't going to be toothless much longer. Oh man, I do love it. 

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Between Christmas and New Year we battled a nasty virus around our house. There was a lot of robes over yoga pants, banana slug snot trails and cancelled anniversary plans. The flip side is that the concentrated family time was pretty awesome. Having an extra pair of adult hands at home made it possible for me to read a little, take a nap and think some thoughts uninterrupted. Some good came out of it.





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The boy is sleeping in his own crib now. He puts himself to sleep and when he wakes up he can often put himself back to sleep.

Part of getting him into his own crib was spending some good time there. Paka helped.

Tim had to go to Cincinnati for the weekend so my bestie came to town to hang out and help me with the kids. Since that terrible virus was finally gone we decided to start sleep training Ingram. I really didn't want to do anything that involved any crying at all but the reality occurred to me that on a nightly basis all three of us were waking each other up. Most nights he would awaken at some point and spend the next 20 minutes crying in my arms because he was so damn tired. He was crying it out with me right there anyway so I Ferberized him. It actually went really well and Ingram is even sleeping all night long sometimes! This is a little miracle in my life and has facilitated all sorts of other slow changes.

Funny how you can have a last moment with your children and not even know it. This was the last night of our old sleeping ritual. Sleep training started the following night. 

Heather helped me. She knows how important it is. 

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Ada had her first ballet class. Oh man, be still my heart. We went to buy her leotard and little ballet slippers. She was wearing a princess dress borrowed from a friend, which made the ballet preparation all the sweeter.

At the ballet store. So sweet. I can't even believe it how sweet the whole thing was.

On her first day, there were no pictures allowed but I was able to snap a single picture before class started. Once class started I was there with my face pressed against the darkened glass of the door with tears welling in my eyes. She was radiant, adorable and 100% into it. Best money I ever spent.





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Ingram has been lunging for our food for weeks now. I was trying to wait until 6 months to start solids but he has made it clear that he had a need to start sooner. Similar to the photo essay from Ada's first solids, here is Ingrams first rice cereal:

He wasn't sure at first about the whole rice cereal thing. I guess it was better in theory. In the end he seems to have decided it was all OK.

I'm approaching this the same way I do with kittens being introduced to solid foods: let 'em play in it. They get it on their hands (paws) and lick at it and check it all out. It's a messy process but it works well. 

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Finally, we are on our annual trip to Florida.



We've been to the pool every day.

Hey, Dad and Rob: notice that I finally got her hair cut?

I had a massage. I've been running again even though it hurts. There are have been moments of tired children crying and acting out but more than that have been the tender moments, the belly laughing and the squeals of delight.

This is the old enameled metal tub that Tim's dad was bathed in at his great grandmothers house in Kentucky. 

This is only the beginning too.