Rapture

Almost hourly we are checking in with each other as Tim and I coax our life back to "normal". Only it's an enhanced version of normal: you can't emerge from a time like the past few weeks and months without it having changed you. Whatever fundamental thing all those feelings of anxiety and fear were born out of is still there even if the situation has changed. We're pretty hell-bent on dealing with that because if we don't, that thing will hunt us down again and again until we do. Part of it, we've decided, is having invested so much into this livelihood that leaving isn't an option - there are no second careers or professional reinventions for us. As it happens, the life we have been inching towards is still there at the finish line waiting for us.

As we go through the paces of post-exam hangover we are also recovering from a horrendous GI virus that took no prisoners. It was a vicious and tenacious bastard. Last Saturday as Tim was arriving in Louisville for his boards, I woke up on the bed in the guest room at my Dad's house. I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 6:12 PM. My first thought was, "Shit. I wasn't raptured. I have to go to work on Monday and I feel terrible." Then next thought was, "Was Ada raptured? Because if she was and I wasn't and I have to live without her for 156 days or more then that's all I need to be in hell." The metallic taste coupled with ptyalism led to my next thought which was, "Aww, crap. I'm going to throw up now," and I did.

The day before the great vomiting sickness came, Ada and I made awesome rhubarb muffins. 

I am thankful that my Dad and Rob are near. I am so thankful that they cared for Ada for many hours on Saturday because I was far too sick to do it by myself. I am so thankful that Rob did I-don't-know-how-many loads of laundry with no complaint. It wouldn't have taken much to make me feel worse than I already did by the time Ada threw up on the bed for the second time. We were unprepared for a sleep over and we were a pain to have as house guests yet they insist that they didn't mind. That's love, friends.





So In the course of 2 weeks we had a miscarriage, a sweeping virus, and survival of a devastating exam. I'm ready to leave this little threesome of bad tidings far behind us. It would seem that the universe if happy to oblige as we are already well on our way:  I finally can eat something more nutritionally complicated than saltines or dry Cheerios. Ada hasn't thrown up in over 72 hours. Heart-to-heart conversations with friends in a cafe on a blessedly light work day. Heart-to-heart conversations with my husband because we can and we must. Cathcing up with friends on another coast over the phone. Hiking through the Sunol wilderness with my girl pointing out airplanes, butterflies, birds, and cows. Endless waiting for test results brought to a dramatic eleventh hour crescendo among tears and hugging - there was so much feeling that Ada was frightened and started to cry!

At this point, I'm going to get this out there for historical documentation because already there are things to look forward to and other topics stewing about in my mind. With all the living we've been doing over the past few days I haven't had time to catch up with myself! Not a bad problem to have.

Dr. McDreamy

Look who passed his oral board exams.



It's been 13 years in the making between undergrad, med school, internship, and residency but this man is finally a board certified radiologist. We are celebrating.



I didn't doubt for a moment that he passed. I knew the minute I met him that he would do every single thing he ever seriously set out to do. He would hear none of it, full of anxiety and self-doubt this past week. I talked to Melissa yesterday and she asked, "did he feel devastated cuz I can't imagine leaving an exam like that and not feeling devastated." She gets it, which is only one reason I'd totally take on anyone for her: Mel "gets it" when it comes to most things. She's a board certified emergency and critical care veterinarian. She can relate to the process and that's nothin' to shake a stick at. The love of my life has been in misery.



And praise Jesus that he passed because if we had to keep this up until the re-take in November I seriously can't say with any confidence that our family would have survived. It's been a looooooong road, folks. So if you find me defending medical professionals, please understand that I've been there. I AM there. I've seen the sleepless nights (for everyone), the delayed gratification, the work, the sacrifice, and felt the absence of my husband when I really needed him. It's unreal that the doctors who care for you go through all of this shit only to be Googled and blamed for the fiscal problems (you do know that we drive a piece-of-shit Grand Am, right? That thing has been damaged so many times we don't even notice new scuffs anymore). Do you doubt? Next time you encounter any MD ask them about oral boards. Be prepared to watch their faces fall and their chests sink in. Hey, if we're being honest we can discuss that the money ain't what it used to be and God knows the respect is so far gone. For the record, our net worth is still negative.

So off I go to enjoy spending time with my family. It's been months and I couldn't be more excited to be a family of three rather than a family of a couple compensating for an extraordinary circumstance. Blessedly, she doesn't  seem to have noticed.





I'm about 2/3  done with a post about what's been really happening. It'll be up soon.

One last thing: our celebration includes going to bed before the sun has completely said "Good night". I love this moment.

My Heart, My Healer

The woman who takes care of Ada while I work was sick earlier this week. We thought she was not infectious once she came back to work but no such luck. Ada woke up sick this morning. GI in nature: no need to elaborate, right? I just tried to keep encouraging her to drink water as she refuses pedialyte. She finally was able to hold down some rice crackers and avocado at about 6:00 tonight so she's on the mend and I think everything will be OK once the odor of vomit clears from the laundry room.

The silver lining is that we snuggled all day long. There were lots of tiny cat naps - I waited for her in a sunny spot on the couch with a crocheted afghan and when she was done playing she would climb up and lay down for about 10 minutes with me. Then up again for 5, snuggle for 10, up for 5....She took her morning nap on my chest until I had to pee so badly I got up. She also took an afternoon nap, which hasn't happened in months.



Normally I'm all about getting things done when she naps - especially on the first day of my weekend. Today was so different though. I absolutely didn't care about anything else but comforting her. It's so unusual for me to not feel like I should be doing something else. We lay together for the most of the day with the sun warming us, her body molded to mine for maximum contact. Her weight on me pushed my roots deep into the heart of motherhood. Her heavy, rhythmic breath was meditative. I examined the red highlights in her hair - just like mine. I felt the most profound love and sense of purpose in doing absolutely nothing that anyone else would consider productive. Today was one of the most beautiful days of my life.



I didn't know how badly I needed this rest and physical connection until it was forced upon me. It's been a lonely week. Last Saturday night at the park Kathi gave me a great hug that was long and heart-felt and so very badly needed. Since then a bit of a dry spell. I wouldn't tell Tim how badly I needed to be comforted - he has so much on his mind. Twelve hour days at work don't support phone calls with friends or cousins on a different coast. So I cried in the bathroom, the coat closet at work, in my car... I grieved alone. Today though my sweet benevolent Heart healed me again. So, thank you, my love.



We did take a short walk today to a playground that is usually pretty empty. I didn't want to get any other kids sick but Ada and I both needed a little sunshine and movement. She pooped out pretty fast so our outing was short. We always find the neatest things on our walks around Buena Vista park. Today we found a tiny egg. The shell was so delicate and thin - it's top had broken off in a clean line around the top when it fell from the tree above. The embryo was still inside. I debated posting this picture but I'm going to do it. Biologically, it's beautiful. Philosophically, it's moving. Personally, it's poignant. Even birds experience loss - and they continue to fly.

Shape versus Definition

Surely it won't come as a great surprise that the thing I've been thinking about most is the baby we won't be having. Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but it's just the truth. I'm getting used to being in my body alone again and working towards feeling normal. This weekend was rough in patches. Long stretches of clarity and peace were interrupted by moments of intense sadness and doubt.


There is a certain gravity to this process: forcing my way free is useless. I'm better off breathing through the painful moments and waiting for the peaceful relief I know will come. I've mentioned it before - when I force something to before it's rightful time a crisis is precipitated. Healing is an organic process that must be respected by allowing it to happen on it's own time. I just get impatient with waiting.


Life is full of amazing, moving beauty but let's be honest: life can also be hard. These things - the beautiful and the hard - are the things that make us who we are. Part of my job in life, as I see it, is to let the hard things shape my characther without defining me. Miscarriage stinks. I wouldn't wish this on anyone and I certainly don't want to do it again. But I can let it shape me into a person capable of much deeper compassion and empathy. It can sharpen my focus on being the best mom I can be to the little girl I call my daughter. It can remind me to "be kinder than necessary for everyone is fighting some kind of battle" because they are.


Deep inside I know that good things are still coming our way and I have evidence to support that:
1. On new years eve I found several face-up pennies
2. I've seen more rainbows this year than all other years combined
3. Early in the year I got a fortune cookie that promised this year would bring much happiness
4. My horoscope says that it's going to be a great year


See, it's practically irrefutable! Despite my darker moments over the weekend I just know that I'll emerge from this a stronger person, which is good for me and will be good for Ada in ways I can't even fully understand yet. Knowing that your children rely on you to form and then reinforce their foundation is a great motivator to search for the best of yourself no matter what circumstance you face.


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We meet Sarah and Kathi at the park every weekend now and I love it. More importantly is that the girls love it.
It fascinates me how they mirror each other. Well, really Ada mirrors Sarah. My Heart is content to do her own thing until she gets a bee in her bonnet to either do whatever another baby is doing or to "mother" them mercilessly. She is amazing at sharing (most of the time) but this sometimes turns into her strongly insisting that another kid take her snack cup full of cheddar goldfish. My benevolent Heart - I love her so much.

The facial expressions just slay me. I also realize that this is the same exact jacket, just different patterns.

Talking on the phone. See how Ada has an eye on Sarah? And just want to add that they have officially switched snack cups. 

Ada climbed up on the sand pit ledge and stared at the back of Sarah's head waiting for her to do something so that Ada could do it too. 

An example of the mothering. God forbid Ada let Sarah go without a snack for more than 20 seconds.



In no other city could an even like Bay to Breakers happen like this. It's a race from the San Francisco Bay to the Pacific Ocean. People dress up in crazy outfits and do all sorts of silly things. There used to be a lot of drinking involved and I'm sure there still is but not so openly anymore. Ada and I walked down our street to take in the scene.

Can you find the naked guy? Always nudity. New to me was running with a cock ring. Well, not this guy, obviously. 

My little runner got herself some new sneakers last Friday. Saucony, in fact, and they even have laces (her first). She is over the moon for these shoes and fascinated by the laces.

A couple came dressed as the elderly couple from the movie 'Up'. This was their prop. On Sunday morning as my hormones made wild oscillations I imagined myself whisked away in this house with Ada and Tim off to some nirvana. Now that things are stabilizing and I am getting back to normal I remember that nirvana is here, laying next to my husband in bed with a one-eyed white cat making biscuits on his shoulder while my daughter sighs in her sleep from the room adjoining ours. My last 4 day weekend with Ada awaits. Tim will be off to Louisville for his exam and then the long road of residency comes to an end. 

A new chapter is about to begin. I am refreshed. I am renewed. I am ready to write my history and damn if it isn't going to be good.