Spontaneous Fun Night

We had a night of great fun with the Taylors! Andrew came by after work yesterday to find me eviscerating a cloth bird I was making (I'll post pictures of my latest crafting when it's done). Tim came home about 20 minutes to a nice "Welcome Home" that included a bottle of his favorite Cremant. We hung around chatting, catching up, and making some plans. Jen got done with work around 8:00, an early night as she was expecting to be in the OR until midnight or so. It was on her way home so she stopped by Burma Superstar and got some takeout - love the Burmese style curry with beef! We opened a bottle of Lionheart 2007 Pinot Noir, which only got 86 points but deserves so much more - it is a great wine.

All the while Ada was a perfect angel. She checked out her new Bumbo - I scored it off of Craigs List earlier that day for $15 (never used, they didn't like the color). She found it a bit perplexing at first, but it's catching on. Then she hung out in the Moby. Then is was time for her bath, a bottle, and sweet dreams. I guess our little lovebug knew that mommy and daddy needed a some adult time :)

A Celebration of Life

We got back from FL (again) yesterday. Ada did well on the flights - I am so proud of her!! She has been sleeping a lot since we got home so I think that she was really worn out.  Not surprising! The whole family was in bed by 8:30 last night. I am glad that we don't have to travel again for a while.

Tim's parents came down to Naples for my mom's memorial. It is so sweet that they came. I am very, very lucky to be part of their family. I was able to pack up a little bit of my mom's stuff and send it to Tampa with them. Apparently smoke has been absorbed into everything and they had to drive with the windows open for a while. They repacked everything when they got it home and washed all the china. Superstars. Tim's dad bought a pack-n-play for Ada and the future grandkids to use. It was a very sweet idea and he picked out a really nice one. The only problem was keeping Poochie the cat out of the Pack-n-Play!

Diana and Gilberto brought Laura over from the east coast! It was soooooo nice to see them. I wish we had more time to spend together. Still, it was so touching that they came - a monumental effort with a tiny baby! Laura is just beautiful and D & G are naturals as parents. It's so beautiful to see this friend who I've spent so much transformative time with as a mother. I'm glad we are doing it at the same time! Ada is only 8 weeks older than Laura (and almost 3# heavier at birth) but she looks like a giant compared to Laura! So funny!

My mom's memorial was really nice. Lynn put a lot of effort into making it a thoughtful reflection of my mom and it turned out well. Charlie put together a slide show of pictures and music - a task that really took a lot of time and effort. It's obvious that he put much thought into the music. As I hugged him goodbye he told me to listen carefully - that there was a message there for me. I told him that I had been waiting for one. Many people got up to speak about her. I didn't. It's just not my way. I was talking to Tim's mom about it later...it's just so funny how the sides of a person can so selectively be shown.


I don't know why God didn't see fit to give my mom a dozen and a half kids. One (me) wasn't enough! My mom was a rescuer. Since I was a kid there were wayward, young women in and out of our house and our lives all the time. Some of them she could help - learn how to manage money, leave an abusive relationship, take care of themselves, get clean... these women clung to her for it. They all called her mom.
That's one side of my mom, I suppose, but one that I saw from a very different perspective:  since I was raised up that way I am already hyper-responsible, goal-oriented, practical, perfectionist - not that there aren't things about me that are begging for improvement but there was nothing for her to fix! I wasn't enough of a train wreck to keep my mom busy. At the same time that she was proud of me and loved me I think I bored her!

I have come to the conclusion that no relationship is as intimate and intense as a mother/daughter relationship. Especially if you spend enormous amounts of time with only each other for company. We were so close that sometimes it was hard to know where one of us ended and the other began. Sounds romantic, but it is no way to live. When she got married to Jeff and I was immersed in school we started to distance ourselves from each other. It was hard (harder for her, I think) but it was good. I think I would be unable to function if I hadn't slowly started to make a life of my own years ago.

My mom died

Nancy Carol  (August 26, 1947 - September 4, 2009)

I went back to FL to be with her in the final 18 hours of her life. I truly didn't think that I would want to go but when the time came I really felt like I needed to go - for her and for myself. I'm glad that I went. Being with her in those final hours was the most powerful experience of my life. Even more so than giving birth. It has sent me into a tailspin of sorts.

My mom and I had been so close when I was growing up. We have had problems communicating and finding common ground for several years now. There are so many things that contribute to that. Maybe I'll find the strength to write about them objectively here at some point, but not now. Interestingly, when I went to her the day before she died all of that just vaporized and it was like I was 5 years old again and running to my mommy. Her eyes were pleading...for what I don't know. She wasn't ready to die. She told me that she still had so much to do. I told her I loved her and that she was a good mom. She replied, "sometimes I wondered". Sigh.

Now I find myself in foreign territory. I feel so much guilt for every wicked, senseless, stupid thing I ever said or did. Here is the catch: my mom was hurt that I grew up and made a life of my own. That was unavoidable so I don't know what I could have done to prevent it. So you can maybe see the rock and the hard place...The best I can hope for is that I will be much more measured about how I interact with people from now on, especially when I feel frustrated.

Heaven and spiritual matters also loom large in my mind now. Never before have I felt such a driving need to know that heaven is real. I am devouring recollections of near-death experiences to try to reassure myself that she went somewhere better, her anxiety and pain is gone, and that in her newly found divinity she has forgiven me everything. A few hours before she died she spoke the last words I was able to understand, "I am so scared." God couldn't spare an angel or my grandfather to come down and give her comfort? That makes me so angry and disappointed.

The timing couldn't be worse. She has been looking forward to having a grandchild for years and was so excited. They got to meet when Ada was just 3 weeks old. Being so very pregnant and then having a newborn to care for meant that I couldn't come to take care of her or to advocate for her. I had hoped that she might do some of that for herself or that the people around her would be a bit smarter about their decisions for her. In the week that we were there with her I could see the ways that she struggled to not complain when Jeff did things that were so obviously not to her liking. I guess that I just feel like I could have done it better.

Bye, mom. I'll see you again soon. Until then, please watch over my family. XO, M

Oh, for fuck's sake

I've been gone a while.

My mom was taken for a radical surgery a few weeks before Ada was born. The diagnosis that came from this? Lymphoma, which is probably the cancer that is the most amenable to chemo and has a decent prognosis. She is still having complications from that surgery almost 4 months later and chemo has been delayed time after time... she will probably be dead before Christmas. I have some feelings about this that most people probably would never understand. Really, if you don't understand it then you probably don't have an ambiguous relationship with a family member and you should fall to your knees and thank your lucky stars. I have heard, "At least you have a chance to say goodbye." It's cold comfort.

Ada was born. Life altering. Awe inspiring. All consuming. I love being a mother. She challenges me and fills me up. I worry that I don't have what it takes to do right by her. I hope she doesn't have my bizarre, ugly physical features and terrible personality flaws. I hope she isn't as socially awkward as I am - it's too painful. God help me, I will be unstoppable if anyone tries to hurt her though. Fierce is my love - I've never experienced anything like this kind of love.

I love being on maternity leave. October 4th seems so close :(

About 2 weeks ago I was cleared to start normal activity again. I'm trying really hard to be dedicated and have done well, if I can toot my own horn. In 2 weeks I lost 5.5 pounds and an inch from my waist. Well, 3 weeks after giving birth Tim and I were leaving a pediatrician appointment with Ada in the stroller. An old guy in the elevator asked me when the baby was due. Sigh. Well it happened again tonight.
Tonight I went to a cancer talk at the local veterinary referral practice. In conversation with the hosting practice manager and another woman from the practice he mentions that he is going to take their interns over to my practice for a tour. I asked him to not mention seeing me. "Why not", he asks? Well, I'm on maternity leave. So the lady says, "Oh, when is the baby due?"
Damn it!! I'm 10 pounds from my pp weight and one inch from my waist away from pp measurement. I mean, really? REALLY?? I am no super model but I don't effing look pregnant anymore. I could seriously cry. Ugh. Just when you think it's going well...